Jokes News

What does a blonde consider safe sex?

A padded head board.

What’s next to the best thing in the world?

A pair of panties.

Little Johnny is walking down the laneway one morning with something cupped in his hands. An old farmer sitting on the porch sees him coming and wonders what he is up to.

“Hey little Johnny, whatcha got there in your hands?”

Johnny replies, “Got me a bullfrog…goin to town to get me a bull.”

The old farmer just chuckles. A short while later, here comes Johnny leading a bull. The old farmer scratches his head in amazement.

Next day, here comes Johnny down the lane again with something cupped in his hands. The old farmer looks up and asks again, “Johnny, whatcha got in your hands?”

Johnny replies, “Got me a horsefly…goin to town to get me a horse.”

The old farmer sits back and waits. Sure enough, a short while later, here comes Johnny leading a horse. The old guy is stunned.

Very next morning, here comes Johnny down the laneway with something in his hands. The old farmer looks up and asks, “Johnny, whatcha got in your hands today?”

Johnny replies, “Got me a pussy willow…goin to town…”

“Wait for me, I’m comin with you!” yells the old farmer.

Once upon a time three nuns died and went to heaven. It was very bright and beautiful. They met St. Peter at the front gate.

He said, “The only way you can get into heaven is if you answer three questions. One question for each of you.”

The three nuns agreed. St. Peter began to the first nun, “What was the Immaculate conception?” “Why, it’s Mary being told that Jesus was going to be born, St. Peter,” said the first nun. And bells rang, the gates of heaven opened, and she entered heaven.

St. Peter went on to the second nun, “Who baptized Jesus?” The second nun began, “It was John the Baptist, St. Peter.” And bells rang, the gates opened, and she entered heaven.

He finally came to the third nun. He asked, “What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden?” The third nun looked around in confusion trying to think of what she could of said. She then said, “Gee, that’s a hard one, Peter.” And bells rang, the gates opened.

Little Johnny is sitting in a buth at dairy queen all dressed up in his cowboy suit and two guns in his pocket.

The waitress walks up to him and asks him what he wants he says : I want a sunday.

The waitress ask if he want wip cream .he pulls his guns out of his pockets and says yeah!

The waitress asks him if he wants nuts on his sunday he pulls his guns out of his pockets and says yeah!!

The waitress asks him if he wants his nuts crushed.

Little johnny pulls out the two guns from his pockets and says :Do you want you tits blown off?!!!!!!

A guy walks into a bird store, and right near the front counter is a big bird in a cage. On the cage is a note that reads: Here is Harry, the worlds most religous bird. The most religous bird? the customer asks. The store owner says, sure If you pull Harry’s left leg he will say the Hail Mary. The guy says this can’t be true, but the store owner says, go ahead and pull it. So he does, and the big bird says the Hail Mary. The note also says pull Harry’s right leg and he will say the Our Father. The customer says no way, but he pulls the right leg, and the bird says the Our Father. Holy shit! Thats amazing, he says to the owner. Hey, what happens if I pull both legs, asks the customer. The bird sticks his neck out and says, I’d fall flat on my ass you dumby…

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SundayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!

Sincerely, Betty
————————————
Dear Betty:

This is a very common complaint, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend that you keep Husband 1.0,
and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root causes. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a “C:\I APOLOGIZE” command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or, worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called “Mate Match.” The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant other’s name and work phone number. If the ’significant other’ answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day, (12-9-98) it got very interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know “Mate Match”?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: “Yes”? Does this mean your are married?….or what,Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me!

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is just gonna kill me!

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 O’clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well….

DJ: Question Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if there wasn’t a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I Uhmmmmm…

DJ: This sounds good, Brian.. where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: “Not that great”? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let’s call Sara shall we?

(touch tones..ringing..)

Clerk: Kinko’s.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now….

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of “Mate Match”?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian…..

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer them exactly as Brian has then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? SARA! GET IT? Orlando Magic …NBA ….they are on strike. Sara…. helloooooo…anyone home??

Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you last have sex, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian… this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.

(sound effect) DING DING DING

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12 to 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: hhmmmmm

Background voice in studio: That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You didn’t tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well..It’s just…it’s just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

DJ: SHE SAW??

Sara: BRIAN??!!

Brian: NO, no I didn’t….

DJ: Ease up there, sister. Just messin’ with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Oh, Dear Lord….I CANNOT believe you told them this!

Brian: Come on honey, it’s for a trip to Florida…..

DJ: Let’s go Sara we ain’t got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass.

(long, long pause)

DJ: We will be right back after a word from our sponsors!

A Rabbi went out one Saturday to visit his members.

At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the Rabbi had knocked several times. Finally, the Rabbi took out his card and wrote “Ezekiel 44:16″ on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

(They shall enter My house, and they shall come near My table, to minister to Me.)

The next day, the card turned up in the drop box at the synagogue. Below the Rabbi’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10″.

{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}

My friend, George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces.

Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightening crashing all around us. We lost the radio and instrument capabilities.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “DANG!!”

Fearing the worst, I asked, “What’s wrong now?”

George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”