Jokes News

Back in the 1920’s, Americans were not yet accustomed to strangers of particularly exotic appearance, and when Wellington Koo served as Chinese representative at the Washington Conference in 1921, he was much more a curiosity than he would have been a generation later.

At one social function, a Washington lady found herself next to Koo and was utterly unable to think of a thing to say. Finally, after the soup, she nerved herself to ask, in very clear tones so as to be understood, “Likee soupee?”

Koo smiled and nodded. Worn out with the effort, the Washingtonian attempted nothing more.

After dinner, Koo rose to deliver the speech of the evening which, of course, he did in impeccable English. When he sat down again, he turned to the red-faced lady and asked, “Likee speechee?”

Mrs. Sandman… please make me cream.
I part your virgin lips, and they really bleed.
Turn off the lights and get under the covers…
’cause your cunt is gonna hurt after the night is over.

Mrs. Sandman… I’m so alone.
I’m sick and tired of sex on the phone
so please come over and make me cream.

Mrs. Sandman make me…please please make me cream.

thank you very much!

Q: What do Clinton’s zipper and Denny’s have in common?

A: They’re both open 24 hours.

My grandson was telling me that he and his three playmates attended different churches. Then he added, “It really doesn’t matter if we go to different churches, does it, Grandma, as long as we’re all Republicans?”

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, “No, I’m the lonely child.”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”

The 3rd grade school teacher says,” O.K. everybody, the word for today is fascinate, and you have to come up with a sentence using that word.”

Little Cindy raises her hand and says,”I went to the zoo on Friday, and it was fascinating.”

The teacher says, “That’s nice but we want to use fascinate, not fascinating.”

Larry raises his hand and says,”I went to a movie Saturday and I was fascinated.”

The teacher says,”That’s nice too, but we want to use fascinate.”

Johnny extends his hand and says, ” My sister has a shirt with 12 buttons on it but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8.”

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ,ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)goheat#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ‘99. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

WA NING! The e is a new, pa ticula ly wicked vi us ci culating on the inte net. It will cause you ” ” key on you keyboa d to no longe function, eplacing it with a blank space.

This bothe some vi us can a ive on you compute as an incoming e-mail, o can be downloaded f om a webpage.

What is wo se, it can make you THINK you have co ected the p oblem, by having the lette ” ” appea on you compute sc een, even though it will not show up in any of you communications with othe compute use s.

Fo tunately, I discove ed it in time, so MY compute emains unaffected.

Please pass this message on, to othe compute use s!

A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror. She says, “What is it, my son?”

The cabbie replies, “Oh, I’m too embarrassed to say, sister.”

She says,”Please, feel free to say anything. I’ve been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore.

The cabbie says, “Well, I’ve always had this overwhelming fantasy to get a blowjob from a nun. Oh, I’m so ashamed!”

The nun says, “That’s okay, I understand the need of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: One, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married.”

The cabbie says, “Yes on both conditions!”

So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie. As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying. She says, “What’s wrong, my son?”

He says, “Sister, I lied. I’m Jewish and I’m married!”

She says, “That’s okay. My name’s Steve and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

A girl and a guy get married and the girl gets pregnant. So the doctor tells them not to have sex until the baby is delivered. But the couple get very horny one night and start having sex.

Suddenly the guy’s penis gets stuck in the gal’s vagina. They struggle a lot but he can’t get it out. So they get over to the hospital and call for the doctor. The doctor gives the girl a sweet and tells her to swallow it.

She does so and suddenly his penis comes out. Afterwards she asks the doctor how he did it, and he explains, “When the baby saw the sweet, he let go of the banana.”