Jokes News

I took my 4-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald’s for dinner one evening for a “guy night.”

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, “Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?”

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were okay to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes, and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, “Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever!”

Q: How do you get 200 cows into a barn?

A: Put up a BINGO sign.

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year, Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers were amazing to the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal, was meteoric, to say the least. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy’s giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have any guts.

A friend of mine works in a camera store. The other day a very confused-looking woman approached the counter and handed my friend a camera.

She said, “I took pictures, but I forgot to put film in the camera. Can you please get them out of the camera for me?”

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.

“It’s worth a try,” he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”

“You gave birth to a child.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.

Q: What is the last thing Clinton says to an intern when he finishes an interview?

A: Careful, don’t bump your head on the desk!

Guy goes to local bar. The band starts playing a slow song. Guy finds this good looking blonde to slow dance with.

As they are dancing, blonde girl says, “Mmm.. you smell good — what are you wearing?”

The guy says, “I am wearing a hard-on but I didn’t think you could smell it!”