Jokes News

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00.”

The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynocologist have in common?

They can both smell, but neither one is allowed to taste!

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads.”

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before, Noon,” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. “Whenjoo shay the bar opinsh at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “What? What did he say? What’s he want?”

His wife yells back, “Just hand him your underwear!”

Q. Why was there only bread and wine at The Last Supper?

A. It was a bunch of men and a potluck dinner.

Q: What do a blonde and a computer have in common?

A: You don’t appreciate either one till they go down on you.

Q; Whats the difference between the Erie Canal and a mean mother-in-law?

A; The Erie Canal is a Busy Ditch.

One day there were 3 amateurs and a pro playing golf. They went up to the first tee, and the pro went first. He hit it right on the green, 300 yards away. Then one of the amateurs went up to the tee and it sliced to the right. He asked the pro, “What causes that?”

“LOFT,” he replied. Then the next amateur went up and sliced it to the left. He asked, “What causes that?” And the pro answered, “LOFT.”

Then the last amateur went up and hit the ball, and it only went 100 yards cause it was rolling on the ground. And he also asked, “What causes that?” and the pro said, “LOFT.”

One of the amateurs said, “We all hit three different shots, and you said it was LOFT — what does LOFT mean?”

And the pro replied, “Lack Of Fucking Talent!”

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t give a damn.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen bitch… do it and die.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”