Jokes News

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years–Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Two smart men (Portuguese) were walking in a farm. One of them saw a “cake” just made by a cow. He said to the other:
“I’ll give you $1000 if you eat some of this.”

The other agreed, ate some and got the money.

After this the man who lost money realised that he could not lose so much money and said: “For such amount I would do the same.”

The man who got the money said: “I don’t believe.”

The first rapidly eats some and got his money back.

After some hours, the first one said to the other:”My friend, do you know that we ate shit for free?”

After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That’s nice,” the teacher says. “If you can go to the blackboard and write ’sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” Alice does, and she gets a cookie.

Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played in the sandbox with Alice.” The teacher says, “Good. If you can write ‘box’ on the blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh- baked cookie.” Billy writes the word, and he gets a cookie.

The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess.
“I tried to play with Alice and Billy,” Mustafa answers, “but they threw rocks at me.”

“They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!” the teacher says. “If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.”

Max comes home to this wife, Minnie, on Christmas Eve and says, “I left the mall in such a hurry today, I forgot to get two things.”

“Like what?” Minnie asks.

“For one thing,” Max says, “I forgot to get wrapping paper.”

“That’s okay,” Minnie says. “You don’t need to wrap my present.”

“Actually,” Max says, “that’s the other thing.”

MARY: Hey Mom, these nice boys bet me $10.00 that I would not climb the light pole.

MOM: Don’t, they’ll see your panties.

THE NEXT DAY

MARY: I climbed the light pole & instead of $10 those nice boys gave me $100!

MOM: Did they see your panties?

MARY: Nope! I didn’t wear any.

There’s a bar in New York that has a truth mirror.If you say a lie it sucks you in.A red head walked in the bar and said,”I’m the cutest girl in New York”,so the mirror sucked her in.Then a brunet walked in and said,”I’m the smartest girl in New York”,so the mirror sucked her in. Then a blond waled in and said, “I’m….” and the mirror sucked her in.

During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.

“Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?” asked
the guard.

“To visit my mother, Sir.”

“Step inside. You will be searched,” ordered the guard.

The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.

This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.

Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.

One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.

“The War is over now”, said the guard, “and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren’t you.”

“Yes, of course,” replied the young man.

“Well, for God’s sake, what were you smuggling?”

The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled.
“Bicycles,” he replied.

Morris calls his son in New York and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.”

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.

“I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It’s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you’re my son and I thought you should know. I really don’t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister Ruth and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where’s Mama? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don’t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven’t told her yet. Believe me it hasn’t been easy. I’ve agonized over it for several days, and I’ve finally come
to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don’t do anything rash. I’m going to take the first flight to Miami. Promise me that you won’t do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I’ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can’t bear to talk about it anymore.”

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter Ruth who tells him that she and her brother are able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me that you don’t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won’t do anything until we both get there.”

Morris promises. After hanging up the phone, Morris turns to his wife and says, “Well, Martha, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?”

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

One day, George was cleaning out the attic and in one box, he found a claim ticket for a pair of shoes at the local shoe repair shop. What caught his attention was the date on the claim ticket which read June 30, 1989 - nearly ten years ago. Amused by his discovery, George went downstairs and showed the claim ticket to his wife Martha. Scrutinizing the piece of paper, Martha remarked, “Hmmm, I can’t recall if I had any pair of shoes for repair at that shop ten years ago. But I doubt if that pair is still there after all these years.”

George said, “Well I’m going over there right now to see if those shoes are still there.”

Martha said, “Suit yourself. But I think it would be just one wild goose chase.”

So George hopped into his car and drove to the local shoe repair shop. When he entered the shop, he approached an old man behind the claim counter. Without a word, George handed the claim ticket over to the old man who took one look at it. Without any change in his expression, the old man said, “Please have a seat while I go inside to check.” So George took a seat and watched as the old man entered the room behind the counter.

Ten minutes later, the old man re-appeared from the room and announced, “I found your shoes.”

Pleasantly surprised, George said, “Hey that’s great!” But upon seeing the old man was empty-handed, George asked, “Well? Where are they?”

With the same stolid expression, the old man said, “The shoes will be ready next Monday.”