Jokes News

A blonde Texas city girl married a rancher. One morning on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his new bride, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnant one of our cows today. I drove a nail in the two-by-four just above the cows stall in the barn. When he gets here, pease show him where the cow is ok.” The rancher leaves for the fields.
The artificial insemination man shows up and the blonde bride shows him the stall where the cow is. Impressed that she isn’t just another ditzy blonde, the man askes her, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?” “Easy! by the nail above its stall.” “What’s the nail for?” “I think to hang your pants on”

Joe came to work one day limping badly, and walking very tenderly. His buddy asked him what was wrong, so Joe pulled his penis out and showed him. It was bruised badly, and had scrapes and scratches all over it. “My god, what happened?” asked his friend, so Joe told him this story.

Next door to him was a beautiful blonde, living in a trailer. She never went out. One day, as Joe walked by, he saw her curtains open. As he was looking, he saw her come into the room totally naked, bend down, and then sit on the floor. He was curious, so the next night, he hid in the bushes in front of the window. Sure enough, he saw her come into the room naked again. He watched her bend down and put a banana into a hole in the floor. Then, she proceeded to mount this banana, and go for a long ride, until the banana was all mush.

Well, Joe got an idea. The next night, he went over and crawled under her trailer. He found the hole and waited. Soon, he heard her come into the room, and saw the banana being put into the hole. Reaching up, he removed the banana, and replaced it with his penis.

“And then what happened” his buddy asked.

“Well” Joe said. “She squatted down on me, and we started having the wildest sex I’ve ever had, when some bastard knocked on the door, and she jumped up and tried to kick that banana under the stove ! “

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

First Mother: What position does your son play on the football team?

Second Mother: I’m not sure. I think he’s one of the drawbacks.

“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”

“That’s very nice, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks, myself.”

Has your mom ever called you a son of a bitch? My mom has. She said, “Shawn, you son of a bitch.”

And of course I said, “You have to be right on that one, Mom.”

I got my ass whooped pretty bad.

One day over the summer, Little Billy was taking a shower with his father and he looked up and asked his dad what was hanging from his stomach. His dad replied, “That’s my nerve son, because when people hit it I get pissed off.”

Later on that evening the father asked Little Billy to run down to the bakery to pick up some buns for dinner. Billy runs down to the bakery but half-way there, he forgets what he was supposed to get.

Little Billy runs back to his house and asked his father, “What did you want me to get again?” and his dad replied, “Some buns, son, some buns, it is not that hard to remember.”

Little Billy runs back to the store and gets up to the counter, and the attendent asks what he would like. By this time Little Billy has forgotten what he was supposed to get.

So Little Billy runs back to his house and asks his dad again and his dad replies, “Son, I want some God damn fucking buns!!!” Billy ran out of the house and back to the store.

The attendant at the counter asked Billy what he wanted and he replied, “I want some god damn fucking buns, please.” Shocked, the attendant replied, “Boy, kid, you’ve got a lot of nerve.”

The little boy smiled and said, “You think I got a lot of nerve, my father’s got one 12 inches long.”

Why do blondes put empty beer bottles in the fridge?
In case any of her non-drinking friends would stop over.

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Why did the Dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet.