Jokes News

Why did the White House name their dog Lucky?

So nobody would be running around the White House yelling, “Cum Spot! Cum Spot!”

What do you call 4 Spaniards standing in quicksand?

Cuatro sinko.

Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America.” Mujibar said, “I ready now sir for take testing.” The officer said, “Make a sentence using the words ‘Yellow’, ‘Pink’ and ‘Green’.” Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister Officer, I ready.” The Officer said, “Go ahead.”
Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

I was in a bar one day when I noticed a scot beside me, drinking heavily. I payed no mind, until he leaned over and said to me, in a thick accent,
“Hey laddie, ya see that fence out thar?”

I leaned over to see out the window a beautiful wooden fence, stretching as far as the eye can see. So I nodded my head.

“Well I built that fence wit me own two hands, me own sweat and blood, but do ye think that they call McGregor the fence builder? noooooo”

And so it went. I thought he was pretty wasted, but then he turned to me and said, “Hey laddie, ya see that lake out thar?” Leaning over I saw a large lake dug beyond the fence, so I nodded my head.

“Well I dug that lake wit me own two hands, me own sweat and blood, but do ye think they call me McGregor the lake digger? noooo”

Well this convinced me the poor fellow was pretty far gone. Then, about the time I thought I was home free, he leaned over and in a conspiritorial whisper said, “But you fuck one goat…”

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
and even the accelerator!” she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
He will be there in two minutes.”

Before the police get to the crime scene, however,
the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time,
and the same blonde is on the line again.

“Never mind,” giggles the blonde,

“I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Coming on board the Boeing 747 for the first time in her life, the young blonde can hardly contain her excitement and nervousness at riding a jumbo jet for the very first time. In fact, she is so giddy with excitement that she can barely contain herself. To release tension caused by her nervousness, she starts running up and down the aisle from seat to seat, happily chanting in a very loud voice,

“BOEING! BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!”

Hearing the ruckus outside the cockpit, the pilot gets up to see what’s the commotion about. When he sees the blonde going up and down the aisle shouting at the top of her voice, the pilot gets so angry that he screams at the blonde, “BE SILENT!”

After the pilot tells off the blonde who stops chanting and running, there is such a deathly silence in the cabin that you can almost hear a pin drop. All eyes of the passengers are at the blonde who stands there looking all the more confused instead of chastened by the pilot’s harsh order. Instead, she continues running down the aisle, this time chanting in a loud voice,

“OEING ! OEING ! OEING ! OEING!”