Jokes News

What did the chimpanzee say when he heard that his sister was going to have a baby?

“I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”

Cindarella was getting old, 75 years, and very wrinkly. One day the fairy god mother came to visit. “Having a good life aren’t you.? I shall grant you three wishes.” For her first wish she wishes to be rich. instantly here chair is turned to gold and as she jumped up, her cat jumped off her lap.

for her second wish she wishes, she wished to be young and beautiful. She was turned into a beautiful young woman.

for her final wish, she wished for her cat to be turned into a handsome young man. The cat was instantly turned into a handsome young man. He walks over to Cindarella, leaning over showing her his huge muscles he says,
“Bet you’re glad you had me fixed, aren’t you?”

Why do hippos have sex underwater?

How else are you going to keep a 5,000 lbs. pussy wet!

One evening a preschooler, Sarah, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting.

Sarah asked, “Daddy, you’re the boss of the house, right?”

Her father proudly replied, “Yes, I am the boss of the house, Baby.”

Upon hearing this, Sarah added, “Cause Mommy put you in charge, right, Daddy?”

Yo mama got one eye and one leg and they call her Eileen.

During a routine physical exam, the doctor found his elderly male patient suffering from the effects of old age much sooner than expected. So, he gave the old man this piece of advice, “Your gout is getting much worse. You’ll have to give up drinking, smoking and having sex for a long while.”

The old man stared back at his doctor incredulously before blurting out, “What for? So that I can just walk a little better?”

One evening, Charlie was feeling pretty light-headed from a couple of boilermakers when he rang the bell of the most expensive cat-house in town. “How ya doin’”, he said when the madam answered the door. “I want your mos’ adventurous girl.”

The madam ushered him inside and sat him down. “You have to be a little more specific”, she said. “What do you mean by ‘adventurous’?”

“Well when I’ve had a couple a lil drinks, sometimes I have a tough time gettin’ it up, if you unnerstan’ my meanin. When that happens, I can usually overcome the problem by makin love in a risky kind a place, like an elevator or under the table in a resrant. Unnerstan?”

“Yes, I do” replied the madam. “The girl you want is Marcy. For an extra hundred, she’d fuck skydiving, but she can’t leave this house until morning. We’re going to have to create a situation for you here, so just entertain yourself with these videos while I go talk to Marcy.”

She returned in a few minutes and said “It’s all set up. You two are going to do it on the roof overlooking the front lawn so if any passerby happened to look up, they’d see you. That sound adventursome enough?”

It worked like a charm. Charlie had no problem getting it up and even Marcy was getting excited, when they felt themselves slipping toward the edge of the roof. There was nothing to grab except each other so they held on tight in amorous embrace while they rolled over the edge onto the grass below, both stunned but not hurt.

A few moments later, another very drunk gentleman rang the doorbell of the cat-house. The madam answered and said “I’m sorry, sir, you’re drunk. Come back when you’re sober.”

“I don’t want a girl”, said the drunk. “I jus wanted to let you know your sign fell down.”

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Take out the pin and throw it back

Three guys are walking down the beach, when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. The first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says, “What will we name the child?”

The guy freaks and runs away. So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says, “What will we name the child?”

He freaks out also and runs away. The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. when she says, “What will we name the child?”

He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.

Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean. He turns to the girl and says, “If he gets out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

Jesus and St. Peter were teeing it up in front of a 250 yard carry over a lake.

St. Peter asked Jesus what club he was going to use. Jesus replied, “A 1 Iron.”

St. Peter said, “Only Tiger Woods can hit a 1 Iron that far.”

Ignoring the advice, Jesus hits 3 balls in the water and starts walking on the water to retrieve his balls.

About that time a foursome behind them comes up on the tee, and one golfer shouts, “Jesus Christ, who does that guy think he is!”

St. Peter replies, “Tiger Woods”