Jokes News

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.”

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your fuckin’ ears ever get cold?”

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex.

He’s not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn’t wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it’s late and that he has to get home.

He says to his secretary, “Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud.”

Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he’s been.

The man says, “I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You lying bastard, you’ve been out playing golf again!”

What do you call a smart blonde ?

A Golden Retriever.

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.

Blue Cross and salary.Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

My mom, an outspoken independent, likes sitting in the park and feeding the pigeons.

One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed to her little friends. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she joyfully fed each pigeon. She sat there, without being noticed by anyone in our rich, suburban neighborhood.

Suddenly, a man in his early 40s rained on my mom’s parade by telling her that she shouldn’t be throwing away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

My mom replied, angrily, with no hesitation, “Well, I can”t throw that far!”

Jim loved his new dog until it started bringing home things from all over the neighborhood — things like shoes and hats and kids’ toys — nothing that was that big of a deal. Except for one day the dog brought home a dead rabbit. Jim was shocked later when he found out that the rabbit actually belonged to his neighbor, Sandy, who was at work.

Jim took the dead rabbit, washed it and fluffed up its fur and then placed it in the cage in Sandy’s backyard, hoping she would think it died of natural causes.

When Sandy returned home, Jim was really worried so he waited and listened by the fence. He heard a scream and peeked over to see Sandy in shock. “M-m-my rabbit, it’s in its cage!” she stuttered.

“Shouldn’t it be?” Jim asked.

“No, because I buried it last week when it died!”

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, “Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!”

Ralph looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there.”

Mary cried, “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!”

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

Question: Why do women smile as they walk down the aisle?

Answer: Because they know they’ve given their last blowjob.