Jokes News

If you had a rattlesnake in one pocket and a rubber with a hole in the other, what would you do?

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t screw with either one of them.

A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears.

The genie said, “I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one.”

The man thought for a while and finally said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I can’t do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for somehting else.”

“Well,” the man said. “I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they tempermental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.”

The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

A man was wandering around a fairground, and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah….” said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“Ha, you fortune tellers are all a sham!” said the man, scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children!”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think….”

A nerdy guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a couple of drinks. As the bartender is handing him a beer, the guy starts poking at this hand with one finger, and then holds his hand up to his ear and starts talking to it. The bartender is quite bewildered by this, so he says, “What are you doing?”

“Well,” says the nerdy guy,” I am a CEO for a top telecommunications company. I have a digital chip embedded in my hand enabling me to talk to my collegues when a telephone is not present.”

The bartender looks at the guy really weirdly and says, “Come on, you’re drunk. Get out!” to which the nerdy guy gets quite annoyed and says, “No seriously! What’s the number to your bar?” The bartender gives him the number, and the guy pokes his finger into his hand again.

The phone rings at the other end of the bar, and whaddaya know, it’s the CEO guy. The bartender thinks that’s really interesting and buys the guy a couple of drinks.

After talking to each other for a couple of minutes, the guy suddenly dashes into the bathroom. After two hours, the bartender is getting pretty worried, so he goes in to the bathroom and sees the guy spread-eagle against the wall, with his pants neatly folded beside him, and a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass.

“Oh my god! Are you okay?” yells the bartender “Do you need help?”

“No, it’s okay,” calmly replies the nerdy guy. “I’m just getting a fax.”

The curator of one zoo was shipping several animals to another zoo, and wrote an accompanying letter which said in part, “Included are the two mongeese you asked for.”

The curator paused. “Mongeese” looked funny.

He tore up the letter and tried again, saying, “Included are the two mongooses you asked for.”

That looked funny, too.

After long thought, the curator began a third time and now completed it without trouble. He wrote in part, “Included is the mongoose you requested. Also included is the other mongoose you requested.”

A pleasant little lady walked into the head office of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, he telephoned the president’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she typically liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money.
“Was it an inheritance?” he asked.
“No,” she answered.
“Was it from playing the stock market?”
“No,” she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little lady could possibly come into $3 million.
“I bet,” she stated.
“You bet?” repeated the bank president. “As in horses?”
“No.” she replied, “I bet people.”
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning, your balls will turn blue and be square.” The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake! When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little lady to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o’clock sharp, the little lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When the bank president inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?” “I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I am the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer.” The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his pants. She instructed him to bend over and then felt his balls. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room, banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” the bank president inquired.
“Well,” she replied, “I bet him $100,000 that by 10:15 this morning, I’d have my hands around the balls of the president of Chase Manhattan Bank.”

Question: “What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?”

Answer: “Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him!

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

One day while looking in a mirror, Jake a body builder who admires his body notices that his whole body is tan except for his penis. He wants to go out tanning but if he is naked his whole body will be tanner than his penis. He decides to go to the beach and do it there. Well he buries his body leaving only his penis and a breathing straw out of the sand.

Mean while three old women are walking along the beach when they see the man’s penis sticking out. One of the old ladies take her cane and start moving it around. Then she says. When i was 20 I heard about it, when i was 40 I had it, when I was 60 i wanted it and now that i am 80 the damn things are growing every where and i am to old to squat.

How many male chauvinists does it take to clean a
toilet???

None it’s a woman’s job.