Jokes News

yo mama’s butt is so big she still can’t find her bike.

Little Johnny came home from school one day and told his mother that he learned a new word.

“It starts with an ‘F’ and ends with a ‘K’!” he told her.

His mother thought for a moment and smacked him. Little Johnny sobbed, “Mommy, what’s wrong with ‘firetruck’?!”

Preparing for a tag sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we’d received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish, aqua-colored, metal frame, we just couldn’t find a room in our house where it looked good.

Shortly after the tag sale started, a man, looking to decorate his apartment, bought it for one dollar.

“This is a great deal!” he said excitedly. “It still has the plastic on it.” Then he peeled off the aqua-colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful, gold-finished frame.

One day, a kid and his mom went to the local supermarket for some shopping. The mother got carried away with her shopping, and the kid got lost.

The six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, “Marian, Marian!”

Finally, reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, “You shouldn’t call me, ‘Marian.’ I’m your mother, you know . . .”

“I know, Mom,” said the child, “but the store is FULL of mothers!”

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man, “observe!”

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face sure rings a bell.”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I’m more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened?”, the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

A college professor always starts his class with a dirty joke. After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke.

The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, “Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door.

“Wait,” cried the Professsor, “the boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

Old cowboy Sam suddenly found all of his cows were very sick. An immediate call to the vet resulted in the recommendation for a cure involving the insertion of a rather large pill in the rear of each animal. After several rather difficult tries, another call to the vet resulted in the use of a blow pipe. With the pill in the blow pipe and a hard puff the pill was immediately lodged in the proper location.

With the large number of cows involved and Sam’s declining strength, he decided to turn the job over to his hired hand. Sam very carefully demonstrated the process to Joe and after removing the blow pipe he handed it to Joe with the instruction, “You try it.”

Joe took the pipe and carefully turned it around and proceeded to demonstrate his new found skill. After congratulating Joe for his success he asked, “Why did you turn the pipe end for end?” The quick reply: “You didn’t expect me to put the same end YOU used in MY mouth did you?”

A man and a woman were golfing when the woman said suddenly, “Would you remarry if I died?”

“Yes”, said the man. “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”, asked the woman.

“No”, said the man,”she’s left-handed”.

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.

Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?”

“Not very good,” came the reply. “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

“You should have been with me . . . did I ever find a good machine! It’s way in the back. Come! I’ll show it to you . . . you can’t lose! Every time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”

Jeffery was a maintenance man for a big-time broadway production company. He was the guy who went around sweeping the floors after hours.

One day, though, Jeffery was approached by one of the big time directors, a man dressed all in black, with a megaphone hung limply in his left arm. “Jeffery,” he said, “I have some news for you. We’re putting on a gigantic production about the Civil War tomorrow. One of my men came down with the flu today, though. This puts me short one man. How would you like the part?”

Jeffery’s eyes lit up like Christmas bulbs. “Wow! Really, Mr. Director, sir? Ya mean it. Oh my gosh, my Daddy’s gonna be so proud of me.. What do I have to do?”

“All you have to do is be here tomorrow at eleven o’clock to get dressed, and run out onstage and
yell, ‘Hark, I hear the cannon’s roar.’ Can you do that, Jeffery?”

Jeffery nearly dropped his broom. “Yes sir, Mr. Director. I can do that alright. Hark, i hear the cannon’s roar! Was that good, Mr. Director?”

“You’re a natural, Jeffery. Now get on home, you’ve got to rest. Don’t be late tomorrow. Remember, eleven, o’clock.”

Jeffery hailed a cab from the sidewalk outside. He could hardly wait to tell his father of his big break.
He was so excited he even told the cab driver.
“Mr. Cab driver, Guess what! I got my big break in the Civil War Play tomorrow! I get to say, ‘Hark, i hear the cannon’s roar!’ Isn’t that great?”

“I’ll say, kid,” the cab driver said. “But you know what? A cannon is a big deal. I think you should say it with more emphasis. Like this, ‘Hark, i hear the CANNON’s roar.’ Get what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, I see what you mean. Let me try… Hark, i hear the CANNON’s roar! That’s much better Mr. Cab driver. Thanks alot. I’ll say it that way tomorrow.”

Jeffery was let out at his home, and he ran in to tell his father and see how proud he was.

“Guess what Daddy! I Got my first ever part in a real show! I have to go out there on stage tomorrow and say, Hark, i hear the CANNON’s roar!”

“That’s terriffic Jeffery, but you know what’s even better? This is your big break, right? So I think you should emphasise on yourself more than that silly old cannon. Say it more like, ‘Hark, III hear the cannon’s roar.”

“You’re right, too, Daddy. Let me try that. Hark, III hear the cannon’s roar! Yes, that feels a lot better. I’ll say that tomorrow. Thanks Daddy. Now I’m going to get some rest like Mr. Director told me to.”

The next morning, Jeffery was horrified to find he had overslept. The alarm clock on his bedstand said it was already ten forty-five. He only had fifteen minutes to get across town to change into costume and say his line!

He called the cab frantically, and when it arrived, shouted instructions to the theatre.

He got through the backstage door only sixteen seconds before eleven, and his mind was racing. There would be no time to change now.

The Director saw Jeffery and grabbed him by the sleeves. Before Jeffery was able to react, the director had thrown him onstage with only a simple “Say your line, Jeffery!” for instructions.

Just as Jeffery stumbled to a stop, a terrific, thundering KA-BOOOM echoed through the theater. Jeffery felt it throughout his body.

As the audience eyed him expectantly, Jeffery looked all around and exclaimed, “What the hell was that ?!?”