Jokes News

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?

Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house.

I sometimes live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals.

I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.

And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

– Andy Rooney

Three men were in a bar getting drunk,an Italian,a German and an Irishman
Well the bartender told them that
if they bought 6 beers they’d get 2 beers free
The Italian jumps up and says thats ridiculous back home at Vinnie’s bar
you buy 4 beers and he’ll give you 2 free beers!
The German stand up and shouts “thats crazy, back home at Wilhelm’s if you buy 2 beers you get 6 beers for free!”
Well the Irishman jumps up and says
“that aint nothin, back home at O’reilly’s if you buy 1 beer you get to drink free for the rest of the night and after yo get wasted they take you out back and everybody has sex with you!”
The German says “really, thats happened to you?”
The Irishman says no it happened to me sister!

Priest and a Rabbi were walking down the street when they saw a young boy.

The Priest says, “Let’s screw him.”

The Rabbi says, “Out of what?”

Smart man + smart woman =romance
Smart man + dumb woman =affair
Dumb man + smart woman =marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee =profit
Smart boss + dumb employee =production
Dumb boss + smart employee =promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee =overtime

Q. What’s the difference between a truck load of
ball-bearings and a truck load of babies?

A. You can’t unload ball-bearings with a pitch fork.

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Coke…we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. If your liver doesn’t make it, it’s okay… you’re already dead.
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before…
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.

The madam opened the brothel door to see and elderly Jewish man.

His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy. “Can I help you?” the madam asked.

“I want Natalie,” the old man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges a $1000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.

The 2 went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next nite he appeared again demanding Natalie. She explained that no-one had ever come back 2 nites in a row and that there were no discounts … it was still $1000. Again the old man took out the money, the 2 went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the 3rd consecutive nite, no-one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man. “No-one has ever used my services 3 nites in a row….. Where are you from?”

The old man replied, “I am from Minsk”

“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have a sister who lives there.”

“Yes, I know” said the old man. “She gave me $3000 to give to you.”

There was this happily married couple that decided to have a baby. After nine hard long months the mother finally started having contractions and it was time to go to the hospital.

The mother was really scared of all the pain she was going to go through so she told the doctors that she wanted all the drugs she could get.

The head doctor said, “We have designed a new device that transfers the pain from the mother of the baby to the father. It is still in testing but you are welcome to try it.” She said “Sounds great let her rip.” So the doctors hook up the device and the contractions start.

AHHHH AHHH! She is writhing in pain and the father can’t feel a thing.
They crank the machine up to 20%. She is in absolute agony. The father says “wow this pregnantcy thing is a piece of cake. Crank the pain factor up to 50%.” They turn the machine up and the father still isn’t feeling a thing. Meanwhile the mother is desperately seeking other means of pain control. Argh argh!!

The father finally says, “Well if the pain is like this at 50% why not take it the full 100%. I think i can take it.” So the doctors wind the machine up to 100% and the man still can’t feel a thing.

Finally the baby pops out and the mother’s pain is over. The man proclaims, “I never thought pregnancy would be so easy.” The mother scowls at him for being so arrogant.

Anyway it comes time to take the baby home and when this happy new family get home they find their postman dead on the doorstep.

Did You know that 90% of constapated people don’t give a shit!

Pilot: “Pilot to tower, pilot to tower. We’re 400 miles from land, 800 feet high and running out of fuel, please instruct, over!”

Tower: “Tower to pilot, tower to pilot. Repeat after me. Our Father, who art in heaven….”