Jokes News

A woman goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

“Well”, says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you will have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”

“Oh no!” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.”

The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.”

“That’s what I want!” exclaims the woman. “Let’s do that.”

Six months later, the woman charges into the doctor’s office. “Well, how is the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.

“Terrible!” the woman bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.

“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“Lady”, the doctor retorts, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”

Drinking at the bar, a man tells his drinking buddy, “You know, last night, I discovered my wife was in bed with another man and I was crushed.”

“Sorry to hear that,” says his friend. “What did you say when you found out?”

“I told them to get off me coz I can’t breathe!”

What P.M.S. really stands for: Punish My Spouse

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.

I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” (Unless it was just a lawn mower.)

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.

President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do eveything that Coolidge did.

This strategy succeeded for awhile, until coffee was served. The President poured his coffee in the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. So did his guests. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the floor for his cat.

World wide traveler: I’ve been around the world three times and I’ve seen it all!

Bartender: Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

World wide traveler: No!

Bartender: Look at your drivers’ license!!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari.”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths and remove all doubt.

In 1928 Colonel John Rotherhampton arrives in Central Africa to take over command of the King’s African Rifles from retiring Lt. Colonel Peter Defries.

The retiring CO is very pleased to meet his successor and over a cup of tea at the regimental mess is most enthusiastic about the regiment’s adjutant, Captain Harry S Smithers. The old CO so extols the virtues and soldierly prowess of Capt. Smithers that the new CO decides that he must simply meet this man. A sentry is sent to invite Smithers to a spot of afternoon tea.

When Smithers arrives the new CO is surprised to see that the man he thought was a man’s man was in fact about four feet tall, completely bald, had absolutely no teeth and his uniform looked five sizes too big for him.

The old CO says, “Go on Smithers tell the Colonel about yourself.”

Smithers — Well sir, I graduated from Oxford with a first in Law, graduated as Dux of officer training at Sandhurst, was British Empire champion shot from 1919 to 1923, won a silver medal in middleweight boxing at the 1924 Olympics and …”

The old Co cut in, “Bugger all that Smithers, just get to the part where you told the local witch doctor to fuck off…”

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.

“Not a single grandchild,” he said with a sigh. “Why, I’ll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let’s say grace.”

. . . When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table . . .