Jokes News

“It’s happened,” cried the bishop in anguish as he sat playing bridge one evening with some charming people.

“What’s happened?” asked the young woman next to him.

“A stroke! My left side is paralyzed.”

“Are you sure?” asked the young lady.

“Yes, yes,” groaned the bishop. “I’ve been pinching my left leg for the past few minutes and feel no sensation whatsoever.”

“Relax,” said the young lady. “That was MY leg you were pinching!”

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County GA:

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self, evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights”.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive

governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE lX: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect

you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

During the Persian Gulf War, my Marine Corps unit had to dig foxholes every time we changed positions. Once, when a private was making his trench, he complained to our sergeant, “Why do we have to do this stupid digging?”

Then there was a loud explosion just a hundred feet away.

“What was THAT?” asked the private.

“That,” replied the sergeant, “is called ‘incentive’.”

Q: Why did God make Man’s piss yellow and his sperm white?

A: So you can tell if he is coming or going.

An old English couple was getting ready for bed when the husband said, “Honey, I love when you take off your blouse!”

Blushing, the wife said, “Thank you.”

The husband continued, “Honey, I love when you take off your bra!”

“Even after all these years?” the wife asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “Because then all the wrinkles come off of your face!!”

A man had a big dance comming up but the problem was he didn’t know how to dance. So he went to a dance studio. The instructor told him to pretend that there is a 10 cent piece on his right shoulder and that he must try to touch the coin with his earlobe in time to the music. So the guy went home and practiced this all week long.

The next week the instructor told him to do the same thing with his left shoulder.

The next lesson he was told to pretend that there was a 50 cent piece on his penis and he had to flip it into the air and catch it again.

The week before the dance he had his last lesson. This time the instructor told him to pretend to bounce a $1 coin on his butt.

The night of the dance came and he met a girl. They danced and danced and the whole time he was saying, “10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar.” The girl was so impressed she asked the man to make love to her the same way that he danced.

So they got back to her house and went for it. “10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. 10 cents, 10 cents… oh fuck it, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy…”

I use to be a safe driver - but I gave it up.

Who wants to drive a safe?

It was a hot and humid July after-noon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.

Well, Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, she decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.

I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.

It said, “For best results, put on two coats.”

Yo mama so old she knew Cap’n Crunch while he was still a private.

A man who had the misfortune of being totally bald was naturally teased about it at times.

A friend ran his hand over the bald head and said, “It feels just like my wife’s behind.”

The bald man passed his own hand over his head and said, “My God, so it does!”