Jokes News

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other “looks.”

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss, followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The commanding officer is setting there thinking: “I didn’t know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking to himself: “Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer, all at the same time?”

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You aint from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us.”

This particular set of triplets were still inside their mother. They were having a conversation about what they were going to be when they grow up.

The first one said, “I’m going to be an electrician because it’s dark in here!”

The second said, “I’m going to be a plumber because I am tired of all this water.”

The third said, “I’m going to be a boxer.” The other two asked him,”Why are you going to be a boxer?”

He replied, “Because I am going to beat the Hell out of that bald headed man that keeps coming up here and spitting on us!!!”

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. “One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me…”

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

“Father! Father!” he yelled as he entered his house. “The cemetery. Come quick!”

“What’s the matter?” his father asked.

“No time to explain,” the boy frantically panted. “Follow me!”

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Do you hear that?” he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. “One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you…”

The boy then blurted out, “The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!”

The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, “Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we’ll have them all.”

What do you call a blonde in the front seat of a car?

An air bag.

What do you call a blonde in the back seat of the car?

A full load.

Your mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meeter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Your mama is so fat that when you’re in your house you’ve never seen the light of day.

How come there’s no female bear living in Yogi’s cave?

Last time there was, they made a boo-boo

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other, typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

British mathematician Charles Lutwedge Dodgson wrote the children’s stories “Alice in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking-Glass” under the pen-name Lewis Carroll.

Queen Victoria was so delighted with “Alice in Wonderland” that she had a letter sent to the author stating that Her Majesty would be graciously pleased to accept any other works by the same pen. She was somewhat disconcerted to receive in due course a copy of “Dodgson’s Syllabus of Plane Algebraical Geometry.”

Why doesn’t mexico have an Olympic team?

Because all the mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are over here.