Jokes News

A scantily dressed girl goes to confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.”

“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.

“Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission”

“Do you mean like this??” He touches her arm.

“Yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father, he also touched my breasts.”

“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.

“Yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father, he took off my clothes.”

“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.

“Yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father, he put his you-know-what, in my you-know-where.”

“Like this??” He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

“Y-Y-Yes Father,” she says sometime later.

“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father, he has Herpes.”

“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!”

The nervous young bride became very irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she said, “just as I do at the dinner table.”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile, “much better.”

“Very good darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to PLEASE PASS THE PUSSY!!”

Q:Have you heard of the new blonde paint?

A:It’s cheap, it’s not very bright and it spreads easily.

I glanced under the seat of the aircraft I was on and saw a life jacket, and thought, “Fuck me, the ferries must have the parachutes!”

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn’t. Santa was really angry. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. “I CAN’T believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do??”

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. “Yo, Santa”, he says, “Where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year????”

And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies…”No matter what!!”

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive, and it ended up on the concrete cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, “Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies, remember? No matter what!”

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it.

Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop–two inches from the cup.

“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?”

The man gave him a wry smile, “Your 7 iron!”

There was a woman doing a report on Native Americans. The topic was going to be about the feathers that they wear.

She went to the village and started looking around and decided to start with an Indian with just one feather in his headdress.

“Excuse me sir, but why do you have one feather in your headdress?” asked the reporter. “Me Brave, me screw one squaw,” replied the Indian.

A little discouraged the lady went to an Indian with two feathers in his headdress, then asked him, “Sir, why do you have two feathers in your headdress?”

This Indian, like the one before; responded, “Me Brave, me screw two squaw.” This made the reporter evem more discouraged, so she decided to take it up with the chief.

“Chief, why do you have all those feathers in your headdress?” asked the reporter. “Me Chief, me screw them all,” he responded.

“Oh, hostile!” the reporter exclaimed.

“Hogstyle, dogstyle, catstyle, rabbitstyle, pigstyle,” the Chief said. The reporter, now blushing said “Oh, dear!”

The Chief thought for a second and then replied, “Me no screw them dear, butt too high and run too fast.”

A team of archaeologists were working when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said,”I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left…… Now, look again….. It now says:

“HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!”