Jokes News

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the checkout counter, where she told the checkout girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for a cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies — one for each day of Christmas.

The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a small hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her, so the cashier cautiously put her finger into the box.

“Now pull it out and tell me what it looks and smells like!” said the little old lady.

A disgusted look came over the cashier’s face as she said, “It looks and smells like …”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear and said, “NOW can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

A guy calls the hospital and a nurse answers the phone.

The guy said, “Send in help because my wife is going into labor.”

The nurse said, “Is this her first child?”

The guy replied, “No, this is her husband.”

A butcher in his shop, and he’s real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.

So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, “I need 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.” The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, he finds the money for the order there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to an intersection. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button for the walk signal. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes, again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.

There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to an open window, barks several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, kicking him and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever, my ass! This is the second time this week that he’s forgotton his key.”

One day God called the Pope and said to him, “I have good news and bad news.”

The Pope says, “Give me the good news first.”

God says, “I have decided to come right out and tell all of the people that there is only one true religion and that is the way it will be from now on.”

The Pope replies, “That’s great, but what’s the bad news?”

God says, “I’m calling from Salt Lake City.”

Your mama is so bald head she got to smile to put her hair in a ponytail.

There were three dead men. One was an Italian, one was
a millonaire, and one was gay.

God told them they could have a second chance in life, if they could stay away from the things they love the most for one day. The guys said ok.

“PUFF”– they were alive again.

They were walking and all of a sudden the Italian guy smells Italian food, so goes ands eats the food.

“PUFF” — he’s gone.

Well the gay guy and the millonaire walk down the street and the millonaire sees a quarter on the ground.

He bends down to go pick it up and..

“PUFF” — they’re both gone.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said “No”.

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me. Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?”

“No,” he replied.

I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. Soo………I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled………”See MOM, IT’S JUST GAS!!”

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, until some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

A lady and her son moved in a house next door to a church and the church was next door to the grocery store. So every time the son would pass the church on his way to the store, he could hear the Deacon shouting the phrase, “Open the doors, Open them wide, let the good Lord and the fresh air fly by”.

So this procedure went on for days, then weeks as the little boy became aggitated every time he heard the Deacon shout, “Open the doors, Open them wide, Let the good Lord and the fresh air fly by”. The little boy then said to himself, “If the Deacon says this one more time, I’ll fix him.

The following day, surely as the boy was on his way to the store, he could hear the Deacon shouting that old familiar phrase, “Open the doors, Open them wide, Let the good Lord and the fresh air fly by”. So the boy looked around only to find a nice sized rock-like object, he picked it up and pitched it through the door hitting the Deacon square in the middle of his forehead.

Then the Deacon shouted, “Close the Door, Close them Quick, some Son-of-a-Bitch done pitched a brick!

What do ancient gods and smart blondes have in common?

They’re both myths

What do you call it when a woman has surgery to become a man?

A: adadictomy