Jokes News

1) your mama is soo ugly she made Freddy Kruger have nightmares.
2) your mama is so poor , she stole free chesse
3) your mama is soooo fat she sat on a cruve and made a driveway
4)your mama is soooo old , she left her purse in Noah’s ark
4)your mamas soo stupid, she returned a dounut because it had a hole in it
5) your mamas sooo fat , she went to class and sat next to everybody
6) your mamas sooo fat she’s on both sides of the family.
7) your mamas soo poor, she came out of a free give away store with hand cuffs
8)your mama got three legs she walks in circles your mama got no legs, talk about let’s kick it
9) your mamas sooo , stupid she sold her house to buy some furniture
10)your mamas sooo old , she owes god a quarter

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm one Friday.

Davidson was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least, I thought there wasn’t,” he stated, in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”.

“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented, with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching, and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.

“I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me Sir, but do you realize that you are doing it with a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight, already?’”

Little Timmy went to his grandparent’s house to visit for the weekend. Little Timmy went outside to find his grandpa smoking a cigar on the porch. The boy asked, “Can I have a cigar?” The Grandpa replied “does your dick touch your ass?” The boy answered “No.” so the Grandpa said, “Well then you can’t have a cigar!”

Later that day, Little Timmy went and found his Grandpa drinking a beer… the boy asked, “Can I have a beer?” The Grandpa answered, “Does your dick touch your ass?” the boy answered, “No.” so the Grandpa said, “Well then you can’t have a beer!”

The next day, Little Timmy came outside with a BIG plate of cookies… the Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?” Little Timmy replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?” The Grandpa said, “Well, yes!” and with that, the boy said, “Well then go fuck yourself, cause these are my cookies!”

Five of the presidents were taking a cruise when they hit an iceberg.

Ford cried: Oh my goodness! What do we do?

Reagan said: Man the lifeboats!

Carter added: Women and children first.

Nixon said: Screw the women and children!

And Clinton asked: Do we have time?

How do you know when you are making love to the following?
1. A nurse
2. A teacher
3. An air hostess

The nurse will say now lie down there I promise you this won’t hurt a bit.

The teacher will say we are going to stay in until we get this right.

The air hostess will say now put this over your mouth and take a deep breath.

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do Kamakazie pilots wear helmets?

What are Preparations A to G?

What do they use to protect shipments of styrofoam?

If you shoot a mime, shouldn’t you use a silencer?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?