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what’s the definition of a limp penis?

viagra falls

Question: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Answer: Beat it, we’re closed.

Tony stops at his buddy Frank’s house on the way home from work. Frank’s wife Angela answers the door and says he’s not home yet but that Tony is welcome to come in and wait. She sits him down at the kitchen table so they can chat while she makes dinner.

She notices Tony staring at her. “Why are you looking at me like that?” smiles Angela.

“Angie, you got the greatest rack I ever saw,” says Tony.
“I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you take off your top and let me kiss ‘em.”

Tony is kind of an attractive guy, thinks Angie, and I could buy that dress that Frank liked. “Sure, why not”, she says. So she slides up her sweater, opens her bra, and makes herself accessible to Tony.

Afterwards, Tony looks at his watch, says he can’t wait any longer, slips Angela a hundred dollars, and leaves.
A few minutes later, Frank walks in and asks if Tony came by.

Angela tries not to panic, wondering how Frank knew. “Yeah, just for a second, but he couldn’t wait,” she replies.

“That’s OK,” says Frank. “As long as he dropped off the hundred bucks he owes me.”

8. Here honey, you use the remote.

7. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

5. While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk anymore.

Question: How do porcupines make love?

Answer : Carefully, very very carefully.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.”

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen; only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

Q: What do you get when a Low Rider crashes with a Police Car?

A: Pork and Beans.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show his girlfriend he had guts!!!!!!!!

Years ago the chaplain of the Notre Dame football team was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportmans-like manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.”

“Ahhh that’s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin’,” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That’s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There’s more, Father. As I got out of the pileup, I kicked two of the other team’s players in a sensitive area.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin’ when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”