Jokes News

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risk. As he wondered how the heck he was ever going to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

“Guaranteed like hell,” he thought to himself, but desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day, 10-lb. weight loss program.

The next day there was a knock at the door and when he answered, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign said, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he catches her and has his way with her. After they’re through she leaves and he thinks, “I like the way this company does business.” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and finds he’s lost 10 lbs. as promised.

So he calls the company and signs up for the 5-day, 20-lb. program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, sexy woman he had ever seen, wearing nothing but Reeboks and a sign: “If you can catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door in a shot. She’s in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days the same thing happens and much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day, 50-pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative. “This is the most rigorous program yet.”

“Absolutely.” he answers. “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he answers it, he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you.”

Did you hear about the old maid that couldn’t stand flies…
Until she opened one

A widow, recently married to a widower, was talking with an old friend who laughingly remarked: “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your new husband sometimes talks about his first wife.”

“Oh, not anymore, he doesn’t,” the other replied.

“What stopped him?”

“I started talking about my next husband.”

One More Whore And We Get Gore.

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

America needs a President Not a Predator

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Slept with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn’t matter, let him date your daughter.

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”

Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog : “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (Total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)….
“Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothing but liars!!!”

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road going 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over. When she had finally stopped, the officer said, “License and Registration, please.”

“It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to drive this way,” she said, smiling.

“That’s impossible!” the officer replied. “I’ve never heard of such a license.”

The blonde reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the office said, “Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license. I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.

She pointed to the bottom of the license, “See? It says so right here: ‘Tear Along the Dotted Line’.”

The terrible-tempered Mr. Smith, having missed an easy putt, shouted, “Oh, fuck.”

A young lady in the party said, “You needn’t use vile language.”

Smith stared at her angrily and said, “Oh, come on. I”m sure you’ve heard the word many times before.”

“I have,” said the young lady, “but never in anger.”

From Black Fella to White Fella.

Dear White Fella,
somethings you ortta know.
Firstly,
When I’m born I’m black,
When I grow up I’m black,
When I’m sick I’m black,
When I go in the sun I’m black,
When I’m scared I’m black,
When I’m cold I’m black,
When I die I’m still black.

But you white fella,

When you’re born you’re pink,
When you grow up you’re white,
When you’re sick you’re green,
When you go in the sun you’re red,
When you’re scared you’re yellow,
When you’re cold you’re blue,
When you die you’re purple.

And you’ve got the nerve to call me COLOURED?!

There was a cop that had pulled a man over when he appeared to be drinking and driving. The cop told him that he was going to have to take a breathalyzer test and the man replied “I can’t do that, I have asthma and can’t hardly breath anyway.

The cop said “Well, I guess we will have to go down to the station and get some blood drawn”.

The man said “No, I can’t do that, I am anemia and have to have a blood transfusion every week”.

The cop said “Well sir, you need to step out of the car and walk this white line.”

The man said “I can’t do that, I’m too drunk to stand up.”

There was a guy waiting for the elevator and the door opens there is a really hot girl in it a she jumps all over him she say’s “make me feel like a woman” he say’s “get off for a second” he takes off all his clothes and says ” fold ‘em bitch!!