Jokes News

I rather be rice than stupid.

A very dumb man applies for a job at the supermarket. He gets the job. The first day his training started.

His boss said “I’ll pretend to be the customer and you make a sale to me.”

“Okay, let’s start. Excuse me sir, but how much are these oranges?”

“Umm…I dunno,” replied the trainee lamely.

“No, no, no! You’re supposed to say, ‘A dollar seventy-five’!” scolded the boss. “Let’s try again.”

“Excuse me sir, but how much are these oranges?”

“A dooollar sewenty-five,” replied the trainee sounding dumb as he was.

“Good. Now, are they fresh?” asked the boss still pretending tc be a customer.

“Duh..umm…I dunno,” replied the dumb trainee.

“NO, no, no! You’re supposed to say, ‘Very, very fresh.’ Try again.”

“Are they fresh?” asked the boss.

“Veeery, veery fresh,” replied the trainee.

“Good,” said the boss, happy that they were making
progress. “Now,” he said moving on, “should I buy them?”

“Uhhh..I dunno,” said the trainee.

“NO, NO, no! Your supposed to say, ‘If you don’t, somebody else will!’” said the boss. “Now, should I buy them?”

“If you dont, somebody else will,” replied the dumb trainee.

“Alright, I suppose you’re ready,” said the exhausted boss.

The next day was the dumb trainee’s first day at work. A man covering his face walked in and pointed a gun straight at the trainee.

“How much ya got back there?” said the robber in a hurried voice.

“A dooollar sewenty-five,” replied the trainee.

“What?! Are you being fresh wit me?!” said the robber, starting to get mad.

“Veeery, veery fresh,” replied the trainee.

“That’s it! You want me to shoot you!” said the angered robber.

“If you don’t somebody else will,” said the trainee.

Judi was driving home one night when she was caught in a bad hail storm. The stones were as big as golf balls. Her car was dented pretty bad.

Balking at the price to fix it, Judi was told by the repair shop guy, a smartass by trade, (noticing her bright blonde hair) to blow into the tailpipe REAL HARD when she got home, the dents would pop out.

When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her.

“What are you doing?” he friend asked, horrified.

“I’m trying to blow the dents out of the car. Duh!”

“Well, DUH,” Judi’s equally blonde friend said, “you’ve got to roll the windows up FIRST!”

What kind of meat do Priests eat on Friday?

“Nun”

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me?”

“What’s that?” asks her mother.

“That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?” said her daughter.

“Yes it is dear!” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.

“But then, when I have a baby,” responded the teenager, “won’t it knock my teeth out?”

One day there was a woman waiting for her husband to come home from work.

When he got home she said, “Listen, I need you to fix the stairs, they are creaking again.” Her husband replied, “Look, I had a hard day at work all I want is to have a beer and go to bed. Does it look like I have carpenter written across my forehead?” So he had his beer and went to bed.

The next day when he came home from work his wife said, “Listen, I need you to fix the pipes, they are leaking again.” Her husband replied, “Look, I had another hard day at work, all I want to do is have a beer and go to bed. Does it look like I have plumber written across my forehead?” So he had his beer and went to bed.

The next day he came home from work and asked his wife, “What is it, what do you want this time? Yesterday it was the pipes the day before that it was the stairs. What do you want now?” His wife replied, “Oh, nothing dear, the neighbor came over and did it.” Her husband replied, “Oh, that’s good, how much do we owe him?” She said, “Nothing, he said I could either bake him a tray of brownies or sleep with him.” Her husband asked, “Well, what did you do, bake him a tray of brownies or sleep with him?”

She replies, “What does it look like, I have Betty Crocker written across my forehead?”

One day a Jewish son came home from college and told his dad that he had converted to Christianity. His father went to his Rabbi and said, “My son went away for awhile and came back a Christian. What shall I do?”

The Rabbi said in reply, “Well, you see, the same thing happened to my son. We shall pray to God and ask what we should do.” So the man and the Rabbi prayed to God.

“God, our sons left home for awhile and came back Christians. What shall we do?”

God said, “Funny you should mention that….”

When does a man think he is the smartest?

It’s when he is having sex because he’s plugged in to a know it all.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds.

“Wow! Twenty pounds!” exclaimed many at the bar, as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answered, “ten pounds.”

The bartender said, “Why? What happened? Didn’t he weigh twenty pounds at birth?”

The proud father said, “Yup….just had him circumcised!”

There are only four types of women’s orgasm:

1. The positive orgasm: “Oh, yes, yes, oh yes, yeeeessss!!”

2. The negative orgasm: “Oh, no, no, oh noooooo!!!”

3. The religious orgasm: “Oh god, oh my god, oh gooooood!!!”

4. The fake orgasm: “Oh (insert your own name here), oh (your own name), etc.”