Jokes News

Little Johnny’s mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank.

They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, “Hey, Mom, she’s really fat.”

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little’ Johnny received a reprimand.

After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, “I bet her butt is ‘that’ wide.”

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, “Look how the fat hangs over her belt.”

The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady’s pager begins to go off.

Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, “Run for your life, she’s backing up”

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature’s rather hideous appearance.

Princess: “My, but you are really an ugly frog!”

Frog: “I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.”

Princess: “Well I’ve seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.”

Frog: “Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it’s a really bad spell.”

Princess: “Well even so, if I kiss you, will you turn into a prince?”

Frog: “I don’t know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.”

Dad came home one afternoon to find his young son in the middle of the floor with a pencil and paper.

“What are you doing, son?” dad asked.

Jr. replied, “I am figuring my debts up.”

“That’s good son, and what do you think you owe?”

Jr. answered, “I figure I owe mom for nine months carrying charge and at least a 2 year milk bill”

“Jr., that’s great, now what do you figure you owe me?”

Son thought for a minute scratched his head and replied, “Not a darn thing … you’re the one that put me in the hole in the first place.”

Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A. When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q. What do you call an honest lawyer?
A. An impossibility.

Q. What’s the difference between an lawyer and a dog?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A. Never enough.

Q. What do you need when you’ve have three lawyers up to their necks
in cement?
A. More cement.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A. Your Honor.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. If you have Hitler, Stalin, and a lawyer standing in front of you and you have a gun loaded with two bullets, who do you shoot first?
A. The lawyer, twice.

What do you call nuts on the wall?

Walnuts

What do you call nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on your chin?

A dick in your mouth

A guy applied to join a nudist club.

“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.

“It’s quite simple,” said the club secretary, “We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”

“Cool,” said the guy, “…count me in!!!”

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.”

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry… You’ve had two warnings!”

If two people who live in Arkansas get married and then move to Kansas then get divorced; are they still brother and sister?

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton, phoned room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!” replied the guest.

1. You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

2. Your company’s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

4. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

6. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

7. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

8. It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

9. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

10. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

11. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

12. Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the
hospital.

13. You’re already late on the assignment you just got.

14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”

15. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

16. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up,” and “I have an opportunity for you.”

17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

18. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers.”

19. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their
pictures are hanging in your cube.

Q: What do you call 50 cows shot into orbit?

A: The Heard Shot ‘Round The World!