Jokes News

Haven’t we met before? =
Nice ass.

I like moonlight walks on the beach. =
I’m broke.

I need you. =
I’m getting too old to be chokin’ the chicken.

It’s just orange juice…try it. =
One of these, she’ll have her legs around my head.

She’s a stuck-up bitch. =
She won’t sleep with me.

Sorry I don’t have time to make you breakfast? =
Who the fuck are you?

I have something to tell you. =
Get tested.

Tonight was fun. I’ll call you. =
I’d rather have my nipples torn off by hyenas than to see you again.

I don’t mind you’ve put on a few pounds…gives me more to love. =
You’re on the Greyhound Express to Dumpsville.

I’m on a long-distance call…can you call me later? =
I forgot to turn on my answering machine.

I think we’ve both grown in this relationship. =
“Next.”

True Story - Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name? The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company

OK, own up now. Who else was caught by these guys?

What’s the difference between a man and a boy?

His toys are bigger!

A young lady went to the doctor for her annual physical. The doctor told her to undress and sit on the examining table.

She did as she was told and when the doctor turned around from his desk to examine her he noticed two big scabs on her knees.

He said, ” My god what happened to your knees?”

She said that they were caused by doing it doggie style.

The doctor gave her some ointment and said that until the scabs healed up she had to turn over and do it in the missionary position.

She said she would like to but she couldn’t stand the dog’s breath.

A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said, “Oy vey”
If you keep up this way
The Messiah will come before you!

Fox hunts are still very popular in England. Once, by mistake, a female dog, in heat, was placed in the pack.

An observer asked, “How’s it going?

An official replied, “Well, I can’t tell for sure yet, but I think the fox is running about fifth.”

A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.

She noticed a passerby looking at her, as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. “It’s okay,” she said, “I’m going to a convention.”

A desperate man walks into a talent agency and starts bragging, “Boy, have I got an act for you, wait till you see this. I got a talkin’ dog!” The agent is skeptical, but his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, “OK, bring him in.”

So the dog comes in and the man says, “Ok boy, what’s on top of a house?”

The dog says, “Rrrroooff!”

“Good boy,” said the man, “Now how does sand paper feel?”

“Rrrufff!”

Then the man asked, “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”

The dog replies, “Rrruffth!”

Finally the agent says, “Ok I’ve seen enough — get out!”

As soon as they get outside, the dog looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know, maybe he liked DiMagio?”

“Do you have books here?”

“Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”

“Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”

“Do you have any books with actual photographs of dinosaurs?”

“I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”

“I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”

“Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”

“Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

The following are direct quotes taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient refused an autopsy.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient has a past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

She slipped on the ice and her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

She is numb from her toes down.

Since she can’t pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

Her skin was moist and dry.

Patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.