Jokes News

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?”

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . .”

The father dialed the same number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!” The receiver was slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, “HELLO!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

There’s this old Indian standing on the boardwalk of an old western town.

Every time a woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand with his palm out and say, “Chance!”

A man accross the way noticed this after about 4 women had walked by the old Indian.

So he decided to ask, “Why are you saying ‘Chance’ every time a woman walks by? Shouldn’t you be saying ‘How’?”

“No,” said the Indian, “I know how, I just need ‘Chance’.”

A blonde’s husband comes home from a hard day at the office to see his blonde wife sobbing over the kitchen sink.

“Why are you crying?” asked the blonde’s husband.

“Well, I went to get some ice cubes and I dropped them on the floor. I rinsed them in hot water and now I can’t find them.

city boy: “Look at that bunch of cows!”
farm boy: “Not bunch, herd.”
city boy: “Heard what?”
farm boy: “…of cows.”
city boy: “Sure, I’ve heard of cows!”
farm boy: “No, I mean a cow herd.”
city boy: “I don’t care, I have no secrets from them.”

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

“Well,” he said, “it’s three weeks long.”

“What else?” I asked.

“The first week, they separate the men from the boys,” he said. “The second week, they separate the men from the fools.”

“And the third week?” I asked.

“The third week, the fools jump.”

President Clinton’s advisers are not at all worried about next week’s Starr hearings because they say this whole sex thing with Monica Lewinsky is simply a big misunderstanding. Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be very grubby looking. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went ok but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees! As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice, “MONICA, PLEASE SACK MY COOK!”

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

I was coming home from the airport when my mother asked me, “Did you have fun at your Aunt Agatha’s?”

“Yes,” I answered, “the food was great, I met a nice man, I read a cool article in a magazine and I saw a movie, then something happened that ruined the whole trip.”

“What?” asked my mother.

“I got there.”