Jokes News

A blonde goes to her mechanic and says, “My car is not working properly, can you fix it?” The mechanic tinkers with it for a while and says, “All done! Your car is fine.” The blonde asks, “What’s the story?” “Just crap in your carburator.” “Well how often should I do that?”

What’s the difference between a pig and an attorney?

One’s a worm infested shit eater.
The others a pig.

Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

Why is an orange called an orange and an apple isn’t a red?

Why is a pear called a pear when it’s only one?

Is grass really greener on the other side?

Why do we wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

If corn oil comes from corn where does baby oil come from?

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grinade at you?
A: Take the pin outand throw it back.

IF THEY GET THAT ONE TRY THIS!!!!

Q: Well what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run because she has a granade in her mouth!!!!!!!!!

Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn’t have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn’t have to put up with his Mother!

What is Pink on the inside, full of juice, and has a split?

A Grapefruit!!!!!

(sung to the tune of “THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES”)

Come listen to a story ’bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin’ with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean cut.

Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub.

In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence.

Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn’t stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, “Hey, I can fix that dong!”
“A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need”
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee’d.

Whizzed, that is.

Straight stream.

Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came upshort.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed.

Case Closed.

Ya’ll sleep on your stomachs now , ya hear?????

There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, named Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was not tit for tat.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silverwalls which could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”

When Noah had his ark built he called all the animals together. When they had assembled he told all the males he would take away their privates. He said he couldn’t have them making love because it would risk them having children.

In return he would give all the males a claim ticket and when they got off the would get their valuables back.

So every day for the next 40 days, the rabbits were running in to their wives asking them to get up on their backs and look out the window for land.

This went on for a while until one day a rabbit ran in all excited and jumping around the place. His wife thought he was mad and asked him if he saw land.

“No”, he replied waving a ticket around. “I’ve got the donkey’s receipt.”