Jokes News

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the locals in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later, they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed
the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first –sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

The vampires were now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while, a third young couple provided just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner and that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting
on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:

“Drained wops keep falling on my head..”

A patient with glasses was seen running down the hall being chased by a nurse with a scalpel.

A doctor is chasing the nurse shouting, “No, no, nurse, I said remove his SPECTACLES!”

Two pollacks are out golfing and are stuck on the sixteenth green when a foursome comes to play through. One guy asks, “What seems to be the trouble?”

The first pollack answers, “We both hit to green and when we got here one ball is in the cup and one is on the lip of the cup. We both shoot Titleist #3 balls so we can’t figure out who got the hole in one.”

The other golfer looks at the two balls and replies, “Which one of you was playing the orange ball?”

Why has K Y Jelly has announced that it is now Y2K compliant?

If used correctly you can get four digits in your date.

We all know what a Birdie (1 under) and a Bogey (one over) are. Now there’s a Lewinsky. It’s when the shot lands three feet from the hole.

Two blondes were drivin to the airport when they saw a sign which read “Airport left”, so they turned around and went home.

what is the diffrence between a hockey goalie and a woman?

A goalie doesn’t have to change pants after every period.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and by extension the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories including New Jersey. To aid in transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1) look up “revocation” in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($74). Start spelling English words correctly. Use of the apostrophe incorrectly will be a capital crime.
2) learn at least the first 4 lines of “God save the Queen”
3) start referring to “soccer” as football
4) Declare war on Quebec and France
5) Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
6) Close down the NFL and learn to play rugby
7) Enjoy warm flat beer, and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more agressive with customers, and not to tell you their names before you eat. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, it has been replaced with November 5th.
9) All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
10) Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
11) Report to our Consulate General in NY - M. Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.
12 Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew’s bedchamber.
13) Add the Royal Insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queen’s Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
14) Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba, and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majestey’s government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Have a Happy Christmas!

A young kid asks his dad if he can borrow the car for the night so his dad lets him have the car and tells him to be careful.

About 4 hours later the kid comes home and has 3 flat tires and he is a bit upset. His dad asks what’s wrong so the kid shows his dad the tires. His dad examined the tires and pulled a piece of glass from a beer bottle out of one of them.

The father asked, “Didn’t you see the bottles in the road?” and the kid says, “No, that damn bum had them hidden under his coat!”

Little Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” he asked.

“Nope,” Jimmy replied.

“Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Little Johnny asked.

“Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Little Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Little Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet then.”