Jokes News

One night, the sheriff was making his 3am rounds. As he pulls up the main street, he finds two big rig trucks parked in the middle of the street with the lights on and the doors wide open.

He decides to go and investigate. As he climbs up into the first cab he sees that it`s empty. He thinks to himself…”Maybe they`re in the other truck conferring over a map.” So he takes a look in the second truck and sees it’s empty also.

As he’s walking back to the patrol car to call for a tow truck, he hears sounds coming from underneath one of the trailers. He shines his light and sees two truck drivers, one on his knees and the other one kneeling behind him going at it. The sheriff says “Hey! You can`t do that here in the middle of the street. It`s illegal!” The truck driver in back says, “You don`t understand. My buddy was having a heart attack.”

The sheriff replies, “That`s not what you do for a heart attack. You`re supposed to give CPR and mouth to mouth!”

To that the truck driver says, “I did! That`s what got this started!”

Q: Did you hear that the Dallas Cowboys are gonna play on mud next year??

A: Know why? They smoked all the grass and did all the lines.

Did you hear about the British Airways employee who took a call from this blonde asking the question, “How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?”

“Um, just a minute, if you please,” he murmured.

Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, “Thank you,” as the phone went dead.

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2001, your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10-12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10″ Pole Tax $25.00
5-8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!
Sincerely,
Head Pecker Checker, IRS

Note: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
-Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
-What if one’s penis is self employed?
-Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
-Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
-Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Two nuns were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

The other nun saw this and said, “My, that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”

“It’s a condom,” the first nun replied.

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

“You can purchase them at the pharmacy.”

When the two nuns arrived downtown, the nun with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this dear, sweet nun was interested in condoms. He asked her, “What size do you want?”

The nun thought for a minute and then said, “One big enough to fit a CAMEL!”

What do you call two outrageously beautiful BLONDES in the front seat?

Dual airbags!

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.”

Little Johnny walked into a grocery store and selected a large box of laundry detergent and took it to the counter.

The clerk said, “You must have a large load of clothes to wash.”

“Oh no,” said Johnny, “I’m going to give my dog a bath.”

“I don’t think that is the right soap to use to bathe your dog,” said the clerk.

“It’ll do,” said Johnny, as he paid the clerk and walked out.

A few days later Johnny goes back to the store to buy some candy.

“How’s your dog?” the clerk asked.

“He died”, said Johnny.

“I told you that soap wasn’t right for your dog,” replied the clerk.

“The soap was fine,” said Johnny, “but I think the spin cycle killed him.”