Jokes News

Once, while visiting her doctor, a lady whispered to him, “Kiss me, Doctor!”

He said, “I cannot, it would be immoral.”

Five minutes later she again whispered in a husky voice, “Please kiss me, Doctor!”

He said, “I can’t. I have taken an oath.”

Ten minutes later she screamed, “Please kiss me, Doctor!”

He said “For the last time, no. It would not be right. Truth be known, I probably shouldn’t be fucking you right now either!”

Two babies were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid said,” I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a piece of cake!”

The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?”

The first kid responded, “Well, I’m here for a circumcision.”

The second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”

Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.”

You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Q: How are women like frying pans?

A: You have to get both of them hot before you put the meat in!

One day there was a nun walking down the street when a man wearing only a robe jumped out at her from an alley, and flashed her. Surprised, the nun said, “Oh my gosh, I have never seen that before! May I feel it?”

Being a man who likes a cheap thrill, he said, “Ok.” So she was feeling one of his nuts then she asked if she could feel his other nut. Totally turned on by what she was doing, the man excitedly agreed, and the nun started to feel her way around. Now the man was so excited, he thought he was going to explode. Just before he reached orgasm, the nun clapped her hands together really hard, smashing his nuts between her hands. As the man’s eyes widened with pain, the nun whispered sternly, “Don’t you EVER do that again!”

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Drinks half of it, then pours the rest on his left hand. Orders another. Does the same thing. Continues for several more beers.

Finally, the bartender just has to know why he is doing this and asks him about it.

The guy replies, “I’m getting my date drunk.”

I have had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, prostate cancer, and diabetes, I am half blind and can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…Thank God I still have my DRIVER’S LICENSE!!!

One day this lady bought her son a radio for 500 dollars. The lady told her son not to take it outside because somebody might take it.
He said, “No one’s going to take it.”
His mom said, “If they do, tell them you’re the bad mother fucker from down the street, and you’ll kick their ass from street to street.”

So he was walking in Chicago and some gang bangers were in the park.
They said: “Hey boy, let me see yo radio.”
The boy said: “No, I’m the bad mother fucker from down the street. I’ll kick yo ass from street to street.”

They said ok whatever. So the little boy walked on until he saw a policeman.

So the police said: “Hey son, let me see your radio.
The boy said: “No I’m the bad mother fucker from down the street I’ll kick your ass from street to street.

The police said, “Well I’m going to lock you up in jail for being smart.”

So when he went to court the judge asked the same question and the little boy said the same thing, and the judge said: “OK I’M GOING TO SEND YOU TO THE CHAIR.”

So the little boy died and went to heaven and God said: “MAY I SEE YOUR RADIO SON?”
The little boy said: “I’m the bad mother fucker from down the street. I’ll kick yo ass from street to street.” So God sent him to Hell.

Then the devil asked the same question and the little boy said: “No, I’m the bad mother fucker from down the street. I’ll kick your ass from street to street.”

And the devil said: “I’m the bad mother fucker from underground. I’ll turn yo ass to crispy brown.”

A woman was boarding the bus one day and as she was getting her fare the driver exclaims, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman slams her money in the farebox and angrily stomps to her seat. The guy she sits next to asks, “What’s wrong?” The woman says, “The bus driver just insulted me!” “What?!” He’s supposed to be a public servant, and he’s insulting people?” “Yeah, and I should go up there and cuss him out!” The guy says.”I”m behind you on this go ahead on up there, I’ll hold your monkey for you!”

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’”