Jokes News

What did Monica Lewinsky’s father say about her future?

She Blew It!

A scientist is deep in the amazon rainforest. When he walks through a native village he suddenly hears drums playing from beyond.

The natives panic and run away.

The scientist stops one of them and asks what’s going on.

“Is bad” the man says, “Is very bad when drums stop”. And the man runs away.

The scientist walks on through the (now abandoned) village when suddenly the drums stop. Quickly he jumps into one of the houses.

In the house is a very old man who couldn’t walk anymore.

“Tell me !” The scientist says “What happens when the drums stop !”

“Is very bad when drums stop,” the old man says, “coming double-bass solo…..”

Sister Mary Jane, a nun from a convent a block away from Jack’s liquor store, walked in and said,”Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”

“Sister Mary Jane,” exclaimed Jack, “I can’t do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”

“Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped, “It cures constipation, you know.” So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, there was Sister Mary Jane. She was snockered! Singing and dancing, whirling around, flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Jane! For shame! You told me it was for Mother Superior’s constipation!”

Sister Mary Jane didn’t miss a beat. “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s gonna shit!”

12. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”

11. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”

10. “So — what are you wearing?”

9. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”

8. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.”

7. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”

6. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”

5. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

4. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”

3. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”

2. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”

and the Number 1 Thing You Don’t Want to Hear From Tech Support…

1. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”

One campaign consultant says he doesn’t approve of political jokes. He’s seen too many of them get elected.

It was past lunchtime when a man with a cane entered a small diner. When the diner owner handed him the menu, the customer said to the owner, “I’m sorry I can’t read your menu. I’m blind.” The owner apologized and asked what the customer wanted to eat. The blind man said, “Could me bring me a used spoon? I could tell what your special for the day is just by smelling the spoon.”

Although the diner owner was skeptical at the blind man’s claim, he decided to humor the blind man. So he went into the kitchen and told the cook named Mary who was also his wife for twenty years about the blind man’s request. So Mary took out a used spoon from the sink and handed this to her husband. When the blind man got the spoon, he sniffed it deeply and then said, “Hmmm, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Smells good. I’ll have that for lunch.” The owner was amazed by the blind man’s keen sense of smell. While the blind man was eating, he struck up a conversation with the owner. The blind man narrated his tour of duty as a fighter pilot and how he lost his eyesight three years ago after his jet fighter crashlanded during a routine mission over Iraq. After finishing his meal, the blind man paid for his lunch and left.

The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and as he sat down, the owner absentmindedly handed him the menu. The blind man smiled and said, “I was here yesterday. Could I just have a used spoon?” So the owner went into the kitchen and took a used spoon from the sink. After the blind man sniffed the used spoon, he said, “Hmmm, smells like spaghetti and meatballs. Okay, I’ll have some.” The owner was dumbfounded by the blind man’s keen sense of smell. After the blind man had left, the owner vowed to put the blind man’s sense of smell to a test.

So at about same time next day, the owner was on the look out for the blind man. When he saw the blind man crossing the street towards the diner, the owner went into the kitchen and asked his wife Mary to rub a spoon against her pussy as he wanted to play a joke on the blind man. Reluctantly his wife agreed to do it.

When the blind man took his seat, the owner handed him the Mary-scented spoon. After much sniffing, the blind man said in a surprised voice, “Hey, I didn’t know Mary works here. How is she doing?”

Upon reaching her 18th birthday, a girl paid her divorced father a visit to receive her gift. After giving his only child the gift, the man handed her a check and told her, “Give this check to your mother. Tell her that this is the last check she will receive from me for child support as you are now 18 years old. Then tell me how that old witch will react to the news.”

When the girl handed the check to her mother and told her what her father had said, the mother smiled and said, “Well, the next time you pay your father a visit, tell him that you are not really his daughter. Then tell me how the old goat will react to the news.”

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two, but don’t ask me how they get in there…

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Genuine imitation

Same difference

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Living dead

Military intelligence

New classic

“Now, then …”

Synthetic natural gas

Clearly misunderstood

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Good Grief

and

Microsoft Works!