What did Monica Lewinsky’s father say about her future?

She Blew It!

A scientist is deep in the amazon rainforest. When he walks through a native village he suddenly hears drums playing from beyond.

The natives panic and run away.

The scientist stops one of them and asks what’s going on.

“Is bad” the man says, “Is very bad when drums stop”. And the man runs away.

The scientist walks on through the (now abandoned) village when suddenly the drums stop. Quickly he jumps into one of the houses.

In the house is a very old man who couldn’t walk anymore.

“Tell me !” The scientist says “What happens when the drums stop !”

“Is very bad when drums stop,” the old man says, “coming double-bass solo…..”

Sister Mary Jane, a nun from a convent a block away from Jack’s liquor store, walked in and said,”Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”

“Sister Mary Jane,” exclaimed Jack, “I can’t do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”

“Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped, “It cures constipation, you know.” So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, there was Sister Mary Jane. She was snockered! Singing and dancing, whirling around, flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Jane! For shame! You told me it was for Mother Superior’s constipation!”

Sister Mary Jane didn’t miss a beat. “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s gonna shit!”

12. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”

11. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”

10. “So — what are you wearing?”

9. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”

8. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.”

7. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”

6. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”

5. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

4. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”

3. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”

2. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”

and the Number 1 Thing You Don’t Want to Hear From Tech Support…

1. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”

One campaign consultant says he doesn’t approve of political jokes. He’s seen too many of them get elected.