Jokes News

10 “Top o’ The Morn to You Too, Officer”

9 “Let Us Reflect Calmly on Our Differences and Avoid
Conflict at All Costs” by Grand ChessMaster Irving

8 “Actually, Maybe I’m Not All That Great, and My
Sexual Prowess is Average at Best”

7 “My New Minivan is Phat, Yo!”

6 Anything by “Ol’ Dirty Bacarach”

5 “I’ll Gladly Turn Down the Volume if it’s Bothering You”

4 “I Feel Good When My Ho Comes First”

3 “‘G’ is for Gangsta, and for GAY!”

2 “Okay, So You Touched It. Betcha Can’t Touch THIS…”

1 “Gimme Sum Dat Madeline Albright Boo-tay!”

A high level executive sits at a local bar one night and orders a drink. Out of the corner of his eye, the bartender notices the man speaking in to the palm of his hand, as if he were giving orders to a secretary.

“Who were you talking to?” the bartender asks the executive, thinking the man was having a breakdown.

The executive stretches out his left hand and shows the bartender a cellphone keyboard encrusted into his left hand. “It’s the latest in technology”, the executive explained, “I had a cellphone encrusted in my left hand-now i don’t have to worry about leaving it at home or in the office anymore. I’ll show you.”

The executive asks the bartender his home phone number and proceeds to dial. Much to his amazement, the bartender’s wife was at the other end of the line. “Wow!”, said the bartender to his amazement and continued working.

Later that evening, the bartender noticed the executive went into the bathroom and had not come out in half an hour. Worried something had gone wrong, he ventured in after the executive. Much to his surprise, the executive was completely naked against the wall while clenching a roll of toilet paper between his buttcheeks.

“What’s wrong!?” the bartender shouted.

“Oh nothing”, said the executive, “I’ve just been waiting for a fax from my secretary for the past half hour!”

What do cats eat for breakfast?

mice crispies.

joke from the “joke museum”

A group of businessmen decided to start Cheapskate Airlines. After talking it over, they offered three classes of travel.

In first class, they show a movie and serve steak and lobster.

In coach class, they show slides and give you a chicken dinner.

In the “NO FRILLS!” section, they pass around a picture of a peanut butter sandwich.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”.

Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a department store.

All of a sudden, the blind man picked up his dog by its tail and started swinging the dog around in a circle.

The department store employee observed this and went over and asked the blind man if he could help him.

The blind man replied, “No, I am just looking around.”

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
“Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No. Down there.”

The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice, “Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s
appearance in his shop, answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, We do.”

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked “D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?”

“Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size.”

Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, “A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?”

“Well…. yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”

“D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?”

“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”

“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”

A BLONDE AND A REDHEAD WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN THE REDHEAD SAYS TO THE BLONDE, “AW, LOOK AT THE POOR DEAD BIRD.” AND THE BLONDE LOOKS UP IN THE SKY AND SAYS, “WHERE?”

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Signed …
Jim

—–
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

John,
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today.

Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above
(1, 3, 5, etc…) for my true assessment of him.

Regards …
Jim