Jokes News

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

Mess Test :Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the TV and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals. (Goats will do nicely.) Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large live octopus or giant squid. Stuff into a small mesh bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy breakfast cereal into the mouth of the jug as it swings by while you pretend to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Obtain a canvas bag, similar to those used to prepare for floods. Fill with ten pounds of sand, and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9PM. Put down the bag and lie down, setting your alarm for 10PM. Pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up more if necessary, and continue singing, waltzing and humming until 4AM. Set down the bag and set your alarm for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast. Look pretty. Do this every night for five years.

Physical Test for Women: Obtain a large beanbag and sew it to the front of your clothes. Add two pounds of beans per month for nine months. Then remove the beans, but do not remove the bag.

Physical Test for Men: Go to the drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter and tell the clerk to help himself. Then proceed to the nearest food store. Arrange for your paychecks to be deposited directly to the food store’s bank account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple with a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and the child’s table manners. You may eventually make new friends to replace these.

Man goes to see dentist and asks “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?”

Dentist says, “$100.00.”

Man says, “Too much. Can’t you do it for less?”

Dentist says “I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine.”

Man says, “That’s better but still too much. Can’t we do it any cheaper?”

Dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”

Man says, “That’s great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday.”

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He’s afraid to get nailed to the boards.

One day in school, Tommy’s teacher asked him some questions.
“Tommy, do you see the green grass outside?”
“Yes” Tommy said.
“Do you see the tree outside?”
“Yes.”
“Now go outside. Then look up and see if you see the sky.”
Tommy went outside, and looked up. He came back inside and the teacher continued to ask questions.
“Tommy, did you see the sky?”
“Yes.”
“Did you see God?”
“No.”
“Then therefore God does not exist, right?”
A little girl then raised her hand and asked if she could ask Tommy some questions. She was given permission.
“Now Tommy”, the little girl said. “Do you see the grass?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the tree?”
“YES!” Tommy said, exasperated with all the questions.
“Did you see the sky?”
“Yes.”
“Now look at the teacher,” the little girl said. Tommy looked.
“Do you see her brain?”
“No.”
“Therefore, that means she doesn’t have one, right?”

Three married couples had decided to take a cross country tour for the summer in a Winnebago trailer.

They started in New York and on the early morning of day 7 they decided to stop at a bed and breakfast for a bite to eat.

After the waitress brought their food the first hushand said, “Please pass the honey, Honey.”

The second husband said to his wife, “Please pass the sugar, Sugar.”

The third husband didn’t want to be out done, but could not decide on what to ask his wife to pass him.

After a while he looked on the table and said, “Please pass the bacon, you PIG.”

Yo’ mama so fat, when she stood in front of the Hollywood sign, it just said H D.

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain in a bar in Arkansas.

He’s going through his usual “Stupid redneck” jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes, we ain’t all stupid here in Arkansas.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, “You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!”

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

“Well, my wife ain’t home. She’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “MY GOD! How’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old man was so happy he traded his wife’s best pitcher fo it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that his wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the bar 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture,” and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and, after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She found the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “So this is the hussy he’s been follin’ around with!”

A woman was working at a hospital for wounded soliders. One day she was giving a soldier a sponge bath and looked down at his crotch. The lady noticed that he had a tattoo that said Shorty.

After she finished his bath she went on her lunch break and told all of her friends what she had seen. They all laughed and made fun of the man.

Two weeks later he was discharged from the hospital and called up the nurse for a date. She thought that if he wanted sex, she had nothing to worry about because of the size of his penis.

She went and reminded her friends of him and told them that she was going on a date with him, so she gets dressed and her friends stay at her house while she’s on the date so that they can hear about it when she gets home.

Late that night she comes in with her dress ripped, hair tossed, and makeup smeared. Her friends asked her what happened? She said, “We had sex, but remember I said that his tattoo said Shorty? Well, when that thing’s streched out it said ‘Shorty’s Truck Stop Chattanoogga Tennessee’.”