After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

Mess Test :Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the TV and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals. (Goats will do nicely.) Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large live octopus or giant squid. Stuff into a small mesh bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy breakfast cereal into the mouth of the jug as it swings by while you pretend to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Obtain a canvas bag, similar to those used to prepare for floods. Fill with ten pounds of sand, and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9PM. Put down the bag and lie down, setting your alarm for 10PM. Pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up more if necessary, and continue singing, waltzing and humming until 4AM. Set down the bag and set your alarm for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast. Look pretty. Do this every night for five years.

Physical Test for Women: Obtain a large beanbag and sew it to the front of your clothes. Add two pounds of beans per month for nine months. Then remove the beans, but do not remove the bag.

Physical Test for Men: Go to the drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter and tell the clerk to help himself. Then proceed to the nearest food store. Arrange for your paychecks to be deposited directly to the food store’s bank account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple with a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and the child’s table manners. You may eventually make new friends to replace these.

Man goes to see dentist and asks “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?”

Dentist says, “$100.00.”

Man says, “Too much. Can’t you do it for less?”

Dentist says “I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine.”

Man says, “That’s better but still too much. Can’t we do it any cheaper?”

Dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”

Man says, “That’s great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday.”

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He’s afraid to get nailed to the boards.

One day in school, Tommy’s teacher asked him some questions.
“Tommy, do you see the green grass outside?”
“Yes” Tommy said.
“Do you see the tree outside?”
“Yes.”
“Now go outside. Then look up and see if you see the sky.”
Tommy went outside, and looked up. He came back inside and the teacher continued to ask questions.
“Tommy, did you see the sky?”
“Yes.”
“Did you see God?”
“No.”
“Then therefore God does not exist, right?”
A little girl then raised her hand and asked if she could ask Tommy some questions. She was given permission.
“Now Tommy”, the little girl said. “Do you see the grass?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the tree?”
“YES!” Tommy said, exasperated with all the questions.
“Did you see the sky?”
“Yes.”
“Now look at the teacher,” the little girl said. Tommy looked.
“Do you see her brain?”
“No.”
“Therefore, that means she doesn’t have one, right?”