Jokes News

An 87 year old lady was going through some tough times and was very discouraged and depressed. She decided she did not want to live anymore and contemplated the different methods of suicide. Finally, she decided that shooting herself directly into the heart would be her best chance of success.

Since she wanted precise accuracy, she called her family Doctor and under the pretext of just wanting to learn more about her heart asked him to tell her the exact location of the heart. The Doctor responded : “Your heart is exactly 2 inches below your left nipple.”

She thanked him, hung up the phone, went to her bedroom, picked up the loaded gun and shot herself in the left knee !!!!!

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the presiding Bishop noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began.

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn’t have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop’s curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the “Brides of Christ.”

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, “Family of the Groom.”

A drunk is brought before a judge.

The judge says, “You have been brought here for drinking.”

To this the drunk replies, “Sure, let’s get started!”

Your momma is so skinny she can hool-a-hoop through a cheerio.

Although the today’s joke was submitted “anonymously”, we at Comedy.com suspect that Bill O’Riely may have submitted it.
If so, thanks Bill!

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by
a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of
a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, breaking
the dog’s neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and
rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into
his laptop, beginning with the headline:

“Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal”

“But I’m not a Red Sox fan,” the little hero interjected.

“Sorry” replied the reporter. “But since we’re in Boston, I just assumed
you were.” Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:

“John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack”

“But I’m not a John Kerry fan either,” the boy responded.

The reporter said, “I assumed everybody in this state was either for the
Red Sox or John Kerry or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you like?

“I’m a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush” the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

“Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet”

A man walked into the Ladies Department of Macy’s. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the sales lady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. “Actually, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras,” continued the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what those four types were.

The sales lady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvations Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused, the man asked, “What are the differences among them?”

The sales lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. The Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning!

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused. She said she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

The public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. “Madam,” he explained, “this is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”

“Well, Okay,” agreed Mrs. Hunter. “I’ll serve. Perhaps I was too hasty and should rethink my position on capital punishment, after all.”

A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she’s rather nervous about the wedding night as she’s heard that black men are better endowed than white men. She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit.

The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick comes round the door.

“Are you nervous yet?” says her husband.

“No, I’m OK,” she replies.

Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says, “Are you still OK?”

“Yes,” she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says “I”m still not nervous.”

“OK,” her husband replies, “I’m coming up the stairs.”