Jokes News

There was a guy with a speech impediment, and he went into a grocery store, and said, “Do you have any bum?”

And then guy behind the counter said, “Bum, what’s bum?” The other guy says, “Bum, you know that stuff you put in your mouth and chew.”

The guy behind the counter says, “Oh, you mean gum!” And the guy with the speech impediment says, “Ya, bum.” So, he buys his gum and goes to a hardware store, and says, “Do you have any fuckits?”

The person behind the counter says, “Fuckits, what are fuckits.” The guy with the speech impediment says, “You know, the thing that you put water in, to carry it.”

The person behind the counter says, “Oh, you mean a bucket.” The guy with the speech impediment says, “Ya, ya, a fuckit.”

So he buys the bucket, and goes to the pet store. He says to the woman behind the counter, “Do you have any cock and spankits?”

The woman says, “A cock and spankit, what’s that?” The guy says, “You know those little poodle like things.” “Oh,” says the woman, “You mean a cocker spaniel.” The guy says, “Ya,Ya a cock and spankit.”

So, he buys his cocker spaniel. He is walking down the road with his gum, bucket, and cocker spaniel, when he runs into one of his friends.

They are standing there talking, and all of a sudden the cocker spaniel gets loose and runs away. The guy with the speech impediment says to his friend, “Here take my bum and fuckit, while I go get my cock and spankit!!”

It was a week before Christmas and the mailman was delivering the mail to Mrs. O’Brien’s house. When the mailman got to the door, Mrs. O’Brien asked the mailman to come into the house for his Christmas present.

She took him to her bedroom and they did the nasty between the sheets. After the event, the mailman got dressed and was ready to leave. Mrs. O’Brien said, “Oh by the way, here is a dollar for you.”

The mailman was shocked and asked, “I understand why we rolled around in the sheets together but why the dollar bill?”

She replied, “I asked my husband what to give the mailman this year for Christmas and he said, ‘Screw that bastard! Give him a buck!’”

* If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

* Learn to work the toilet seat. When the lid is up, put it down.

* Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to find that perfect present….again.

* If you ask a question you don’t want an answered, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

* Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Sunday sports — it’s like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. It can’t be altered, so just let it be.

* Don’t ask us what we’re thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops, or carburetors.

* Shopping is not a “sport”.

* Anything you wear is fine. Really! But we prefer you naked, most of the time.

* You have enough clothes.

* You have too many shoes.

* Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

* No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark all
anniversaries & important dates on a calendar.

* Yes, peeing standing up is harder than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometime.

* Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair out if 30 would look good with your dress?

* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

* A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

* Your mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

* Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

* If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, but not both.

* Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

* Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.” The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brothers in the showers.”

*Ting-a-ling*

Clifton Fadiman had occasion to visit the kindergarten class of a highly progressive school attended by his son, Jonathan. The children were engaged in “rhythmic play,” where they were following the lead of their teacher, an energetic young woman, who danced about the room clapping her hands in time to the music of a record player. The docile pupils staggled behind her in ragged fashion.

Later Fadiman drew his son aside and said, “I guess you have lots of fun doing that, don’t you?”

The tot turned his face up to his father, and with resignation said, “No, we don’t, but” —pointing to the teacher— “she does.”

There are three women sitting together, a blonde, a red head, and a brunette. They are all talking about their daughters.

The red head says, “As I was going through my daughter’s closet I found a bottle… I can’t believe that my daughter is drinking!”

The brunette says, “As I was going through my daughter’s closet I found cigarettes… I can’t believe that my daughter is smoking!”

The blonde says, “As I was going through my daughter’s closet I found a condom… I can’t believe that my daughter has a penis!”

In the future, a young man fresh out of college asked his rich neighbor, “How did you ever make so much money?”

The man looked at his worn hands and said, “It was hard, hard work, my boy, and I’ll tell you my secrets. Once, I found a nickel on the ground. I took that little nickel and bought with it one red apple. I spent my whole day polishing that one apple and at the end of the day I sold that apple for ten cents. The next day a bought two apples and spent that whole day polishing them. At the end of the day I sold them for twenty cents. I did that for days and weeks on end until my grandpa, Bill Gates, died and I was chief beneficiary.”

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned and says, “What if this place is still bugged?”

The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!”

Under the rug is a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at our hotel?”

The groom says, “Why are you asking me all these questions?”

The hotel manager says, “Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them last night.”

One day,former presedent Bill Clinton decides to go to the neighborhood nudy bar!So he tells the bartender to srve him something cold.so the bartender tells him,”you want something cold?Go to your wife Hillary!”

An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

“Fer fuck’s sake!” the bloke cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke’s spanking himself in the bar!”

“Fair go, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep.”