Jokes News

1. Keep honking, I’m reloading.
2. Pass with care, I chew tobacco.
3. My kid beat up your honor student.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time, I was hiding behind my monitor
and quaking, red-faced.

I started to type, “Leave me alone!”

They both jumped back, silenced.

“What the . . . ” the teacher said.

I typed, “I said leave me alone!”

The girl got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are, anyway?!” etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Three nuns usually take a shortcut through a narrow alley on their way from the church to the convent. Along the way, they always pass by a house with a porch. On the porch is a bird cage wherein a parrot is perched on a swing. As the nuns pass by, the parrot says, “White, white, black.” When they reach the convent, one nun notices that the three colors enumerated by the parrot match the colors of the nuns’ underpants. The nun then points this out to her fellow nuns who find this hard to believe. So they agree to wear panties with the same color.

The next day, as they pass by, the parrots says, “Red, red, red.” The nuns are astonished to hear this. So they decide to play a trick on the parrot by not wearing any panties when they pass by the following day.

The following day, as the nuns pass by, the parrot looks puzzled and turns its head from left to right. It swings back and forth on its perch until finally, it loudly says, “Curly, curly, straight.”

Two old men were sitting in their wheelchairs in the hallway of the nursing home. The nurse walks by and asks Homer what he is doing.

“I am flying to Florida,” replied Homer.

A little while later, she walks back by and asks him if he is already there. He told her he was almost there. She goes and checks on the other patients. After she finished with the other patients, she walked back down the hallway. Fred, the other old man, was sitting in his chair jerking off.

“Fred, what on earth are you doing?!”

“I am screwing Homer’s wife while he is out of town!”

What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me up i’m goin’ in.

Q. What’s the definition of Indefinitely?

A. When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you’re Indefinitely.

How do you know if a blonde is dating?

By the buckle print on her forehead

Once there was a man, and he was going to get married. He was on the church roof looking down at the floral arrangement, when suddenly he fell off and broke his penis! The man went to the doctor and the doctor put it in a box like case, so nothing would happen to it.

Then on his wedding night, when his wife unzipped his pants, and looked at his penis, it was still in the box. His wife looked at him quizzically, and he said, “See, honey, you now know I’ve been a good boy, see it’s still in the box!”

When there an unexpected knock on my door, I first opened the peephole and asked, “Who’s there?”

“Parcel Post, with a package for the Drexhages.”

“Where’s the package?” I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

“Could I see some ID?” I said, still not convinced.

“Lady,” he replied, wearily, “if I wanted to break into your house, I’d probably just use these.” And he pulled out the keys I had left in the front door.

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “Well, darling,” said her mom, “how was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mother,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language… Stuff I’d never heard before… Really terrible 4-letter words… You’ve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MOTHER!”

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone. But honey,” the mother countered, “WHAT 4-letter words?”

“I can’t tell you, mother,” said the daughter, “they’re too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!”

“Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell mother the 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother…words like: DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…”