Jokes News

Why was Batman in a tree?

He was looking for Robin’s nest

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie wonder says, “I always find that why my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for awhile and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger Woods says, “You play golf?”

Stevie Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fair way, and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

“Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that. When would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night!”

Your Mama is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.

Your Mama is so black that she could swim through tar and leave a streak.

Your Mama is so dumb that we rode past the YMCA and she said “Look, somebody spelled MACY’S wrong.”

Your Mama so dumb that I taught her the running man and haven’t seen her since.

Your Mama so old that she knew Captain Crunch since he was a private.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets.
So, they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, “Peter. England. Pole vaulting.” The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, “McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.

The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says,
“Murphy. Ireland. Fencing.”

The leader of the archeological expedition into the overgrown jungles that were once the Mayan civilization told his group to break up into pairs so that each member of a team could be responsible for the safety of the other.

Mike and Ron went out together into the dense jungle that had grown over the huts and pyramids of the lost civilization. The oppressive heat dictated that the explorers dress as coolly as possible, even though their shorts and t-shirts made them easy prey for the insects.

As they cut through the brush with their machetes, Mike in the lead had the very great misfortune of stepping on a copperhead snake which then bit him on the tip of his penis. Ron immediately cut the head off the snake but when he turned to attend to his friend, he saw that Mike was in agony, holding his penis and becoming weak.

“Hang on, Mike,” said Ron, “I’m calling the base camp for instructions.” He reached the leader at once and explained the situation.

“You can save him,” said the leader. “Just pull down his shorts and suck out the poison. Be sure you get it all.”

Ron hung up the phone.

“What did he say?” gasped Mike.

Ron shook his head. “He said there’s nothing we can do.”