Your Mommy is so fat that when she goes trick or treating she knocks on garage doors!

Sandra and Sally meet at their 25th High School Class Reunion, not having seen each other since graduation.

As they had been best friends and confidants as teenagers, Sally finally gets around to asking the big question…How’s your sex life?

“It’s OK”, says Sandra. “We get it on every Saturday night if there’s no game on TV. How’s yours?”

“It’s great”, Sally replies, “Ever since we got into S&M.”

“S&M???” exclaims Sally, “I’d never have thought you’d go for that!!!?

“Oh it’s just fantastic”, smiles Sandra. “While he SNORES, I MASTURBATE!”

Every morning the local farmer noticed someone had been in his watermelon patch during the night. Unable to stay up and catch them and unwilling to tolerate the constant loss, he put up a sign that said:

WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH A STRONG POISON

The next morning he went out to inspect his watermelon patch and found that his sign had been altered. It now said:

WARNING! TWO OF THESE WATERMELONS HAVE BEEN INJECTED WITH A STRONG POISON

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody!!!!”

Q: Who are Bill Clinton’s favorite friends?

A: Neil and Bob.