Jokes News

Your Mommy is so fat that when she goes trick or treating she knocks on garage doors!

Sandra and Sally meet at their 25th High School Class Reunion, not having seen each other since graduation.

As they had been best friends and confidants as teenagers, Sally finally gets around to asking the big question…How’s your sex life?

“It’s OK”, says Sandra. “We get it on every Saturday night if there’s no game on TV. How’s yours?”

“It’s great”, Sally replies, “Ever since we got into S&M.”

“S&M???” exclaims Sally, “I’d never have thought you’d go for that!!!?

“Oh it’s just fantastic”, smiles Sandra. “While he SNORES, I MASTURBATE!”

Every morning the local farmer noticed someone had been in his watermelon patch during the night. Unable to stay up and catch them and unwilling to tolerate the constant loss, he put up a sign that said:

WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH A STRONG POISON

The next morning he went out to inspect his watermelon patch and found that his sign had been altered. It now said:

WARNING! TWO OF THESE WATERMELONS HAVE BEEN INJECTED WITH A STRONG POISON

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody!!!!”

Q: Who are Bill Clinton’s favorite friends?

A: Neil and Bob.

Harry confessed to the priest, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, I was with 7 different women last night.”

The priest said, “Take seven lemons and eat them.”

Harry said, “Will that cleanse me of my sins?”

“No,” the priest replied. “But it will get that silly grin off of your face.”

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

POOF Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

POOF She turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

POOF There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of South Louisiana one night by his cousin. “Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?”

The cousin smirked and replied, “Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.”

She Was So Blond…

…she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
box because
it said “concentrate”.

…she put lipstick on her forehead because she
wanted to make up
her mind.

…she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

…she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK”
and “DONT
WALK”.

…she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

…she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

…she tried to drown a fish.

…she thought a quarterback was a refund.

…she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
death.

…if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d
get change
back.

…they had to burn the school down to get her out
of third
grade.

…under “education” on her job application, she put

“Hooked On
Phonics.”

…she tripped over a cordless phone.

…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she
slept.

…at the bottom of the application where it says
“sign here”..
she put “Sagittarius.”

…she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

…it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

…if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be
speechless.

…she studied for a blood test …and failed.

…she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

…she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

…she thought she needed a token to get on Soul
Train.

…she sold the car for gas money.

…when she saw the “NC-17″ (under 17 not admitted),

she went
home and got 16 friends.

…when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur
around the home,
she moved.

…she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone
bill.

…when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.

…when she took you to the airport and saw a sign
that said
“Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after her operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

“How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?” she asked. The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

“Yes, you’ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed.”