Jokes News

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

Man to God: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?”

God to Man: “So you would love her.”

Man to God: “But why did you make her so dumb?”

God to Man: “So that she would love you.”

British essayist, novelist, critic and poet, G. K. Chesterton was an imposing figure in height and weight. His vast bulk afforded him certain consolations. He once remarked that it gave him an opportunity for gallantry. “Just the other day in the Underground I enjoyed the pleasure of offering my seat to three ladies.”

There was a young man named Sweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And he slipped his girl a martini.

Dr. Beesley was walking down the hospital corridor when suddenly his patient, Mr. Jones, came running by with panic on his face and his hands cupping his genitals. Hot on his heels was Nurse Chumley carrying a still-steaming tea kettle.

Catching the nurse by the arm, the doctor yelled, “Hold it nurse, you misunderstood! I said prick his boil.”

These two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. The first drunk pipes up, “Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet.” To which the policeman replies “Of course it has. It’s 4:00 in the morning.”

The second drunk then weighs in and says, “Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet.” The officer again replies “Of course it has. It’s 4:00 in the morning.”

The first drunk then starts up again and asks, “Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet.”

The policeman is really mad now so he shouts, “It’s 4am, all the fucking buses have gone!” And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, “Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now.”

Q: What has four legs and smells like a woman?

A: The desk in the oval office

Monica Lewinsky got a new job with Coca-Cola, as a packager and taste-tester. To commemorate her new position (which wasn’t on her knees), she bought a new dress for her Mother and both of them went down to the Potomac River, to celebrate. While there, the two of them had an argument and Monica actually tried to drown her Mother in the Potomac River.

When a police officer showed up to rescue Monica’s Mother, Monica punched him in the mouth.

This made Monica Lewinsky a coke-sacking coke-sucking cop-socking mother-frocking mother-dunker.

What do you an Amish man with his hand up a horses rear-end?

A mechanic.

what is the diffrence betwen a blonde and a rooster?

The rooster says, “Cock-adoodle-doo” and the blonde says, “Any cock will do!”