Jokes News

A newfie and a black man were both admiring their newborn babies at the hospital nursery. The newfie looks at the black guy and says, “Can I ask you a question?”

The black guy says sure so the newfie says, “This is our 2nd child. We really want a black child but they keep turning out white.”

The black guy looks at the white newfie and says, “So what is your question?”

Newfie says, “Well what are we doing wrong?”

The black guy looks at him in disbelief but decides to play along. “Well, is your cock 16 inches long?”

Newfie says, “Oh no, it’s not that big!”

So the black guy says, “Well, is your cock 25 inches around?”

The newfie, again embarrassed, says, “Oh no, it’s not that big around!”

Black guy says, “Well that’s your problem — you’re letting too much light in!”

Kellogg’s is coming out with a new cereal for impotent men.

It’s called “Nut N Raisin, Honey!”

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be $6.00 per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.”

From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information to save 50 cents?

This isn’t exactly a joke in itself, but it’s a PRACTICAL JOKE you can pull on your friends and fellow “onliners”.

Tell them to click on the following web site:

http:adam.cheshire.net~bcdlepisto

What will happen, is the person who does so will have to click 88 TIMES to exit that site! The only other way to exit it, is to TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER!

It’s 100% harmless and doesn’t contain a virus, or anything like that.

Try it yourself, and have a good laugh!

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.

The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.

He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.

After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her to no end.

He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.
This went on for weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?”

“We can’t,” said the woman. “Why not?” came the reply.

“Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “……..I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”

What do a dentist and a gynocologist have in common?

They both say, “OPEN WIDE!”

A farmer walked out to the edge of his feilds and summoned his two sons. When they finally arrived back at the farm house, the father told his sons that he wanted to teach them a lesson about honesty and integrity. The two boys listened with interest. “When George Washington was a young man” he said “George chopped down a cherry tree. His father asked George who had chopped down the the cherry tree, and because he was honest his father did not spank him.” “Now” the farmer said, ” I want to know who pushed the outhouse into the creek.” After a few awkward moments the younger son finally confessed that he had done it.The farmer took off his belt and began to beat the the boy. The son screamed ” what about George Washington his father didn’t whip him.” ” True ” said the farmer, “but his father wasn’t in the cherry tree when he cut it down.”

A guy goes to a proctologist to complain about a rectal disorder. The doctor examines him, tells him he needs an enema, gives him the necessary medication for the enema, and asks him to come back the following week for a checkup.

Upon returning the next week, the guy complains that the medication did nothing for him. “Did you use the medication properly?” asks the doctor.

“Of course I did, Doc! Jeez, what do you think, I shoved it up my ass?!”

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys look at it and give me a bid.”

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Look like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving, the contractor says, “$2700.”

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” says the contractor from New York, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he’d have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal.

A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this “intelligent” dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, “Hunt.”

Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, “He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond.”

“That’s absurd.” said the potential buyer. “Dogs can’t count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it.” Just then a duck flew overhead, descended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond.

“Now send him back and have him count!” said the man. The farmer again commanded “Hunt!” and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times. The buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot.

A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog “Hunt!” and the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in its mouth. He came up to the man swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg.

“Smart, my ass!” said the new owner and promptly shot the dog. When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. “Some dog you sold me! When I told him to ‘hunt’ he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter.”

And the farmer replied, “You fucking idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at!”