Jokes News

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

A man worked as a professional driver for a limousine service for 20 years. When he retired, because the company had no pension plan, he had nothing to CHAUFFEUR all those years of hard work.

A man wasn’t sure which Italian city he was in, so he turned on his cellular telephone, which gave him the answer, instantly. Looking at the indicators, he noticed that the “ROME” light was on.

There is a building in New York City, which pays homage to the pharmaceutical industry. You mean, you’ve never heard of “MEDICINE Square Garden”?

A person walked into a doctor’s office.

“Can I get a brain transplant?” the person asked the doctor.

“Sure,” she replied. “You can have a doctor’s brain for $100, a pilot’s brain for $150, or a politician’s brain for $10,872.”

“Why is the politician’s brain so expensive?” asked the person.

“Oh, it’s never been used,” the doctor replied.

A new exchange student had just come to his new school and his teacher said to him, “To help you learn english faster I want you to write down four words during lunch that you really like!”

The boy nodded and went to work. When he was in the playground he played a game his friends called “take off.” He liked those words so he wrote them down.

Later he and his friends were playing a game where they had to pretend to be their fave animal. The boy did not have a favorite animal so his friends told him to be a zebra. The boy likes this word so he writes it down.

His other friend comes up to him and says, “I’m a baby lion!” the boy had never heard the word baby so he writes it down.

The lunch bell rings and teacher asks him what he wrote. The boy smiles and says, “Take off ze-bra baby!”

Q. If Dieon Sanders and Michael Irvin are in a car who is driving?

A. The police officer.

10. “Norm” is what they say when you enter the bar.

9. Two hands and one mouth….Now THAT’S a drinking problem.

8. 24 hours a day, 24 beers in a case … coincidence???

7. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

5. At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi my name is….uh…”.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

3. Job is interfering with your drinking.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth

And the nuumber one sign that you have a drinkin problem………….

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Two guys wanted to go out and drink but the problem was that they had no money to buy beer. One of the guys had an idea. He went to go buy a hotdog at one of the street stands. He told his friend that when they go to the bars they just ring up their tab and then I’ll pull out the hotdog and you will start sucking on it. His friend said it wouldn’t work. The other guy said it would make the bartender so pissed and grossed out, he would kick them out the bar. So the two guys went to the first bar and had their tag rung up and one of the guys pulled out the hotdog while the other dropped to his knees and started sucking. They went to a couple more bars and when they finally got home, the guy that had to suck the hotdog said, “That was totally wrong to do! my jaw hurts too. The other guy said, “That’s because I lost the hotdog at the second bar!”

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. “I’ll have a pound of that salmon,” he said.

“That’s not salmon,” the clerk said. “It’s ham.”

“Mister,” the customer snapped, “in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!”

Why does a man have a hole at the end of his penis?

So he can think with an open mind.

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse, and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Excuse me, Sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I couldn’t help admiring your faith!”