Jokes News

YO’Mamma is so dumb she thought
a qutarback was her tax refund.

Elizabeth Taylor walks into her plastic surgeons office one day and says to him, “Over the years I have had my boobs done, my butt done and my face done. Now I would like to have down below done.” So her doctor says, “sure, that’s no problem.”
Elizabeth replies “ but there’s just one thing…I ask of you and that is to keep this a secret from everyone. I am tired of the press and the public knowing about every little thing I have done.”
So her doctor says, “that’s no problem.”
The next week comes around and Elizabeth is waking up from her surgery. To her shock she sees three bunches of flowers sitting on the table next to her. Her doctor comes in and she starts yelling because she assumes that the flowers came from the press and her fans.
Her doctor calms her down and said.” you misunderstood. The first set of flowers is from me. I would just like to thank you for all the work you have given me through out the years. The second bunch of flowers is from the nurses because they have gotten to know you over the years, and wish you a good recovery. And the third bunch of flowers is from little Johnny down the hall who would like to thank you for his new set of ears!”

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde in great detail. The robbery begins.

The first blonde drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other blonde, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” she said. She goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass…seven minutes pass… and the first blonde is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open and out she comes. She’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard rushes out. The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, the first blonde says “You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!”

The second blonde said, “I did! I did exactly what you said!”

“No, you idiot,” she replied. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”

Three Irishmen arrive at the local pet store in county Armagh and buy all the parrots and all the budgerigars in the shop. They stuff the birds into a bag and declare to the shop owner that they are off for an outdoor adventure.

The shop owner is a bit concerned about why the three men would want so many parrots and budgees, so he waits until they are gone and follows them in his car.
The Irishmen drive to a lonely costal spot with very high cliffs. The pet shop owner observes from a distance.

The three Irishmen alight from their car with their bag of birds and one carrying a shotgun.

The first of the Irishmen Grabs a few of the parrots and releases them. With his shotgun he blasts the birds, yells Geronimo and jumps off the cliff.

The second Irishman takes a dozen budgerigars and pins them to his shirt and charges off the edge of the cliff.

The pet shop owner makes his way to the third Irishman, who is standing on the cliff edge looking down and asks, “you not gonna jump as well are ye”?

The Irishman, still looking down says, “Hooly mootha of Goud, I’m not inta daat Parrot-shooting and Budgee jumpin meself, ya know!”

It’s forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, “You owe me quite a bit on your tab.”

“Sorry,” says Pat, “I’m flat broke this week.”

“That’s okay, says the bartender. “I’ll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.”

“But,” says Pat, “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.”

“They won’t,” says the bartender. “I’ll just hang your parka over it until it’s paid.”

A man goes to the doctor and says: Doc, you have to help me. Sometimes I wake up and feel like Mickey Mouse, sometimes I wake up and feel goofy.

The doc asks: How long have you had these Disney spells?

Why are there so many blonde jokes?

So brunettes have something to do on Saturday night.

Lee Trevino just finished golfing and went to the 19th hole for a drink. He sits down at the bar next to a rather attractive woman. After a few sips, he looks to the lady and noticing how lovely she is, starts talking to her. Soon, they end up in his hotel room, and are having a rather nice time in bed. After they finish, Lee gets out of bed and walks over to the phone and picks it up.

“Who are you calling?” the lady asks.

Lee responds, “I am calling room service my dear, I thought I would order wine.”

The lady returns, “That’s not what Arnie would do.”

Lee asks, “What would Arnie do?”

The lady responds, “Get back on for another round.”

Lee then hangs up the phone and returns to the lady in bed and they go after it again. About an hour later, Lee gets out of bed again and staggers to the phone and again picks it up.

“Who are you calling now?” she asks.

Lee states, “I am calling room service again, I am hungry.”

The lady says again, “That’s not what Arnie would do.”

Lee asks again, “What would Arnie do?”

She again returns, “He would get back on for another round.”

So Lee puts the phone back down and returns once again to the bed and climbs back in. After another couple of hours, Lee drops from the bed red faced and quite sweaty, crawling to the phone.

After picking it up, she again asks, “Who are you calling this time?”

Lee quickly responds, “I’m calling Arnie….I wanna know what the par is on this hole.”

George’s wife bought a new line of expensive costmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before mirror, applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say that I look like I am, if you didn’t know my real age?”

Looking her over carefully, George replied, “Judging from you skin, 20; your hair, 18; your figure, 25.

“Oh, you flatterer! Do you really think I look that young?” she cooed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” George interrupted. “I haven’t finished adding them up yet!”

Don’t you get the feeling that we’d all be better off if Clinton’s first affair had been with Lorena Bobbett?